Operation Orochi
by Teslyn
Summary: [Sequel to Annoying the Akatsuki 101] Saraiyu has finally met up with Orochimaru. Join her as she annoys the stuffing out of the Snake sannin! Rated for pottymouths and implied yaoi.[R&R]... [COMPLETE]
1. Duckbutt

**A/N:**

**Hehe hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor will I ever. If I did… penguins would rule the world. **

**Lmao, I couldn't really think of a title for this, so if you have a better one, please suggest it to me! THANKEE!**

**Chapter 1:**

_**Duckbutt**_

Orochimaru sat in his lair, across from Sasuke. "Sasuke-kun, I don't understand why you would vote being tied up in a tree for a week over spending a week with that Kyuubi boy." Now, why Orochimaru would ever give Sasuke a poll like that is beyond anyone's imagination, but he did, and that was what Sasuke voted.

Sasuke groaned. "Trust me, Orochimaru. You don't want to know."

**-SARAI POV-**

Okay, so maybe I'm not a ninja. That doesn't mean I can't jump through the trees with the best of them. It's a pain, I'll admit, but I had to learn if I wanted to trail my brother and his cell on their missions, right?

But as good as I am, I just hate jumping through trees. No, that's an understatement. I loathe it with a passion. The branches always snag my cloak, and it feels like every other second, I'm trying to get myself uncaught. But for once, I actually thanked myself for getting caught on branches. Either that, or I was completely disgusted and hated myself for choosing this method of transportation. As I was untangling a branch from my cloak, for what was the 500,000,000,001th time, movement caught my eye.

I crouched in the branch, looking down into a clearing. _Gaara_ and _Sasori_ were there. No shit, I know you're surprised. I mean, Gaara and Sasori? How the hell does that happen? And they weren't even trying to dismember each other! Quite the contrary, there were staring at each other like lovesick puppies. Oh gawd…

The winds brought peculiar words to my ears.

"_Beautiful red hair…"_

"… _yours too…"_

"…"

"…"

They were getting closer. Closer. Closer… until they were _actually kissing_! God that was the best I ever tree-jumped. I didn't even snag my cloak once, and I didn't stop moving until I was sure I was miles away from that horrendous scene. It still sends shivers down my back when I think about it. Urgh. I mean, what would _you_ do if you saw a puppet kissing _Gaara_.

I spent two more days traveling, until I came upon a peculiar clearing. Though I'm not a ninja, I knew there was something ninja-ey about the place. If it was natural, than I'm a pregnant cow. And trust me, I am _not_ a pregnant cow.

Cause guess who popped out of nowhere, appearing on the tree branch behind me? None other than Sasuke Uchiha. Oh goody. I have bad experiences with Uchihas. First Itachi, now Sasuke. If there's a god out there, he hates me.

"_Saraiyu_? What the hell are you doing here?" Sasuke's contemptuous, arrogant, makes-you-want-to-kick-his-ass voice was tinged with shock. I whirled around, and grinned the trademark Uzumaki grin. I got the reaction I wanted; Sasuke rolled his eyes and gave me a Sharingan-death-glare. But I was used to these from Itachi – Sasuke was a beginner in giving death-glares, and his didn't scare me anymore. Sasuke seemed to notice that fact, and frowned ever-so slightly.

Sasuke had already changed, from his look to his demeanor. He was defiantly colder, more dispassionate than ever. If I hadn't met Itachi, I would have thought being any more emotionless than the old Sasuke was impossible. Both Itachi and this new Sasuke proved me wrong. Very, very wrong.

The other kid had already ditched his trademark blue shirt with the Uchiha insignia on the back, with white shorts and a kunai holster wound around his thigh. He now wore a plain white shirt that came down in a v-shape, exposing his chest, and dark pants. He carried a sword similar to the one I saw Orochimaru wielding when he fought Sarutobi-sama. A thick, purple cord was wound around his waist twice. Purple. _Purple._ Did this kid have absolutely no fashion sense?

As I stared at his crouched form, I was torn between being awed by how much hotter Sasuke had gotten and how his new look showed his hot abs, and laughing over his duck-butt haircut. In the end, the haircut won out as I doubled over in laughter and fell to the forest ground, tears streaming down my face.

When I was done laughing, Sasuke jumped down. He looked down into my eyes, his eyebrows arched. One of my own arched on its own accord when I realized that his eyes were Sharingan. More, there were three tomoe. So maybe Naruto hadn't been exaggerating – my damn brother had locked me in the closet during the disastrous Sasuke Retrieval attempt, so I couldn't see their battle with my own eyes. Ick. The least the baka could have done was clean out the dust before he shoved me into it. Urgh. Well, now we all know why I'm claustrophobic.

Sasuke stared down at me incredulously. "What the hell are you doing here?" He asked bluntly. Hey, it's a start. At least it was much better than getting a "What the fuck?" from Kisame.

I grinned at him. "I've come to join you and Orochi-kun." I said brightly. Sasuke stared, face blank as a white slate.

"Can't handle a little girl by yourself, Sasuke-kun? Orochimaru-sama wants to know what's taking you so long." I jumped in surprise at the new voice, and whirled around, hidden kunai in hand in an instant. And faced a purple-cloaked, kitty-masked Kabuto Yakushi. Really, what is it with Orochimaru-subordinates and purple? I thought as I returned my kunai to its hidden sheathe.

Kabuto stared at me for a moment before drawing out those information card-thingys. He chose one and promptly began reading it.

_"Name: Uzumaki Saraiyu_

_Relations: Twin to Uzumaki Naruto, Kyuubi container_

_Status: Civilian, citizen of Konohagakure – Naruto, Genin_

_Ambitions: Keep Naruto from harm (?) other unkown_

_Other: Manipulates wind in an unknown way. (?) Ideal spy, with strange connection to animals (?) speaks to them (?) will spy for her (?)"_

Kabuto smirked, turning the card so I could see. Above all the information he had just read, was a picture of me, eyes closed, hands folded behind my head, staring at the sky. I shuddered. Creep. When the hell had he gotten _that_ picture?

"You are here either to help us or on a mission to bring Sasuke-kun back, yes?" The stalker-creep half assumed, half asked. I nodded. "I am inclined to believe the latter, seeing as your relations to Konoha," He responded. I grinned at him.

"Guess again, buddy." I arched an eyebrow at Sasuke, and used the Cell 7 hand-signs. **Sasuke-_kun_? **The Uchiha scowled at me and signed **Shut up, baka.**

**Two problems with that order. 1) I'm not talking. 2) Naruto's the idiot, not me. **Sasuke's scowled deepened. Kabuto looked from me to him in interest.

"So you're here to offer your services to Orochimaru-sama?" Kabuto asked doubtfully.

"Oho, very good, Kubuto-kun!" I cried, mock-happy. Mimicking Kabuto, I pulled out an imaginary card.

"Name: Bastard Kabuto

Relations: He's a damn bastard, take a wild guess!

Status: Missing-nin of Konoha, now a medic ninja of Sound

Other: Is madly in love with Orochimau-_sama_ and desperately wants to heal the Snake-sannin's arms.

Oh, wait. I forgot,

Ambitions: To share Orochimaru's bed, though why he'd want to sleep with the Legendary Freakishly-Snakelike Weirdo is beyond me."

Kabuto was turning redder and redder as I continued reading off of my imaginary information card. By the time I was finished, he was practically purple, and I could see the steam gushing out of his ears.

"HOW DARE YOU!" He shrieked in an unnatural girlish voice. I covered my ears and winced at his extremely high-pitched tone. That could kill somebody! Somewhere nearby, I heard glass crack. Note to self: never make Kabuto scream shrilly like a girl.

"What is this?" A voice asked from behind me. "I send Sasuke-kun out to eradicate an ignorant trespasser, and when he exceeds the time limit it _should_ have taken him, I send out Kabuto-kun. And then when they _both_ take far too long, I come out myself only to find Kabuto-kun shrieking like a girl and cracking glass." Orochimaru's voice was a soft, sibilant hiss.

"Oi, we were just talking about you, O-Legendary Freak!" I said brightly, turning around to face the Sannin. Orochimaru golden-snake eyes were cruelly amused. Oh god, was he thinking up nasty ways to finish me off?

"I heard. What skills can you offer me, if you are not a shinobi?" Ah. He had heard. He was probably laughing at my imitation of Kabuto then, which, if I do say so myself, was very good. At least I though it was. And I definatly heard a snicker from Sasuke. So that's at least two out of four. I win.

"I am a spy." I said coolly. Orochimaru shrugged. "I have no use of another spy; Kabuto-kun can do that for me."

I grinned. "Ah, but see, I'm much better than Kabi-_kun_ will ever be." Orochimaru gave me a look of utter disbelief.

"Oh really? Pray, tell me something I don't know." He mocked. I don't think he really expected an answer. But I gave him one anyway.

"Well, I think you'll be tickled to hear that my brother is off training with your old pal, you know, Pervy-Sannin? And Sakura is training with Tsunade-chan…" Orochimaru smiled eerily. "I knew that the kunoichi was training with the Honored Fifth Hokage, but I did not know where Naruto-kun had disappeared to…"

"Hm. Who knew that both you and the Akatsuki would be stupid enough to choose to relocate this close to Konohagakure. You guys are real idiots." Kabuto bristled indignantly and opened his mouth to come to Orochimaru's defense when he realized that I had just told them the approximate whereabouts of the Akatsuki. Good boy, Kabi-kun. Did you just realize that I'm still helping!

"I'm still not very impressed…" Orochimaru said coolly. I smiled, calling to the mice in their hidden layout. Borrowing their senses, I spoke.

"Underneath yonder rock, there's a slight crevice." I snorted. "How original, that's exactly how you get into the Akatsuki leader's lair too. Hmm… long corridor, turn left, Kabuto's room. A little bit further, reach a kitchen. After that, a small room with a couch and a chair. Go a bit further and you get Sasuke's room. Across that and a little further, Orochimaru's room. Empty bedroom a little beyond those, on Sasuke's side. Little passages connecting rooms and such probably for escape, and a secret exit in all four of the bedrooms… and what's this? A hidden staircase going down… Urgh! It smells like something… like, _died_ in there! Oh god, my nose! I think I'm going to die!" I wrinkled my nose and grimaced after covering it while simultaneously breaking off my connection to the mice with a silent thanks.

Orochimaru stared at me for a moment. "Lets go down then, shall we? And I'll thank you not to insult my lab. Important experiments are going on there." He said coolly, regaining his composure. "Experiments my ass. It smelt like you had years-old corpses down there!" I murmred vehemntly.

Turning, I watched Sasuke. I know, not smart to turn your back on someone you can't quite trust to stare at a totally hot guy but did not just hear me? Totally hot guy? He was sitting exactly as I remember; on a rock with his elbows resting on his knees, his laced fingers underneaht his chin, but he wasn't leaning on them. Amazing. Now that I thought about it, Itachi and Sasuke were similar, and in more ways than their Uchiha brooding pose. Like their inclination to glare at people whenever they burts their personal bubble. Hmpf. Go figure.

Kabuto entered the lair through the rock, followed by Orochimaru, then me, and finally Sasuke.

**I met your brother.** I signed, once my eyes had adjusted to the dim light.

**You did? **

**Yes. And I've just got to say he's really strong.**

**Hn. No kidding. That's why I'm here to train.**

**Yea, but training won't really do you good. See, I've been spending some quality time with your brother and his friends, and I've come to the conclusion that the only way you're ever going to have a chance of beating Itachi is if he's passed out due to being drunk and you, by some stroke of great luck, you managed to find him dead drunk and kill him.**

Naturally, this made Sasuke scowl at me. Ah, this kid was so easy to piss off.

**A/N:**

**Yay! Chapter one! **

**Oh, I was thinking of making an Ask Saraiyu fanfic, where you send in questions and Saraiyu will answer them. If you like this idea (I took it from Sincerely Yours) please send in a question in your review!**

**xDDD**

**--Aes Sedai**


	2. Scarred for Life

**A/N: Heeheeee I just drank a whole can of coke lmao XDDDDDDDDDDDDDD**

**MWUAHHAHAAA  
**

**-runs off to write chapter-**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Or else the world would be made of MARSHMALLOOOWSSS!**

**Oh yea, if you haven't already noticed, this is slightly a different format than AA101 because it's all Sarai's POV except for some parts, and it kind of skips around a bit cuz there aren't really any of those xXx I put in the last fanfic. If you prefer the other style, let me know!**

**Chapter 2:**

_**Scarred for Life **_

-**SARAIYU POV-**

I am sorry to say I am scarred for life. And it sucks. -shudder-

It all began after I slipped into that accursed hole. Oh yea, it'll be fun pissing of Kabi-kun, Orochi-kun and Sasuke-teme, but really, is it worth my sanity? … Yea I guess it is. But after the episode with the Akatsuki, you'd think I'd learn. But too bad for me. I didn't.

I entered the underground tunnel and I realized I was pretty much right. Well, I was a little wrong here and here (the den-ish room was a lot bigger than the mice told me). The extra room I told you about? There were three more beyond that. Must have been for the late Sound Four. To bad their 'youthfullness' got snuffed out by the Sasuke Retrvial teams.

And guess what? I got the room next to Sasuke's so he could make sure I didn't try to kill anyone in their sleep. What's up with Uchihas guarding me? Do they _like_ it? Its not like it'll do any good anyway. I mean, I'm not that great at assassination attempts. Huh, I'd probably die of shock if I saw Orochi-kun sleeping while I was supposed to be trying to kill him. Either that or puke. A lot. And then run around screaming like I was on fire, yelling, "MY EYES, OH MY POOR EYES!"

But I think you get the picture.

And so they brought me to the kitchen and Kabuto proceeded to tell me where everything was. And then he told me I was going to be the cook. Oh joy I just love cooking. (Note the sarcasm. Lots of it, I know.)

I asked if any of them could cook. Orochi-kun calmly responded that both Kabuto and Sasuke (he left out himself but the pause practically screamed I CAN COOK) could, but I'd probably die if I saw any of them in an apron. I agreed wholeheartedly. But I got that funny feeling that there was more to it than the aprons…

So I went back to my old trick: Spiking the food. Yes, I know. I should have learned from past experiences, but I figured I was only going to do it to Orochi-kun, so what could possibly go wrong? Well, the answer is pretty much anything and _everything_.

Heedless to past mistakes, I made ramen. And rice. And spiked only O-kun's food. Bad idea. Very, very, _very_ bad idea. Oh dear…

O-kun kept making funny faces during the meal, which was silent, finally drawing a "Is something wrong Orochimaru-sama?" from Kabi-kun. I rolled my eyes. Suck up. Sycophant. Brownnoser. Idiot. Love-sick puppy (sadly, I had left Itachi the Puppy back with the others). All of the above.

And then the Sannin was getting giddier and giddier. I grinned into my ramen. Kabi kept watching O-kun, Sasuke kept ignoring everyone, his fingers laced, elbows on the table (which is incredibly rude), hands level with his chin. Suddenly, Kabuto's gaze turned suspicious and kept sweeping from Orochi to me. (Yea, Orochi, O-kun, Orochi-kun, etc. are his new nicknames. Pretty cool, aye?)

"Saraiyu-kun." ((Oh come one, spare me, don't give all this Saraiyu-kun!)) "Is Orochimaru-sama acting a little strange to you?" I looked at the medic-nin sweetly. "Strange? How would you define that? Like, killing honorable Hokages, ditching his home village, turning around and trying to destroy his home village, using live humans as test subjects, stealing other people's bodies, having a freakishly long purple tounge, and being gay for a girly medic-nin and a tomato-obessed emo kid -strange? Oh hell no, of course he's not unusual! He's passed 'different' and gone straight to downright bizarre! "

Kabuto glared, slipped a coy look at O-kun when he didn't think I was looking, and then glared at me again. "No! I mean, different from how he usually is!" I grinned.

"Hmm…. He looks a little dru-" I was cut off as Orochimaru suddenly bent over to Sasuke and gathered part of his shirt in his fist. Shoving his face directly in front of Sasuke's, his tongue lashed out, stopped short of hitting Sasuke (who now had Sharingan eyes and was officially grossed out) and retreated.

"Sarutobi-sensei… damnit, didn't I kill you already!" Orochimaru hissed. Kabuto's eyes widened, and he grabbed my arm in a vice-grip. "What the hell did you do to him!"

I glared. "Oh, so you just go and assume it's _my_ fa-"

"JIRAIYA-KUN YOU PERVERT GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF TSUNADE-CHAN!"

Now let's stop and do the math. Sasuke equals Sarutobi. Kabuto equals Jiraiya-pervert. I equal Tsunade. Orochimaru equals very drunk.

Now, depending on who you are, this adds up in very different wasy. For Sasuke it annoying. For Kabuto it painful. For me it hilarious. Or at least it did until _it_ happened.

O-kun immediately launched himself from his chair, and lunged for Kabuto. After beating the medic nin up a bit, and knocking him out, he turned back to me. Oh dear. I had been doubled over laughing until I realized the Snake was holding my hand and staring into my eyes.

"Did you get shorter, Tsunade-chan?" I tried to back away. Okay now I was getting a whole new answer to the equation. It's very long and complicated, but it goes something like this: YOU'RE IN DEEP SHIT!

Before his icky purple tongue could touch me (yea, I think he was trying to kiss "Tsunade" – gods pity the woman), I ducked and twisted out of his grip. Or at least I tried too. Who would have thought stringy old snakes would be so goddamn strong?

Okay well, maybe I should've guessed because he IS a Sannin after all, but really, you have to give me credit. I was in one of those "OMFG WTF AM I GONNA DO" panic states, and this snake-dude was scaring the crap out of me. Plus I was ready to throw up. It seems like I've been in situations that make me want to gag a lot. Maybe I should just go back to Konoha and go hang out with Sakura or something. Nah…

But my panic state was shattered into itty bitty bite-size bits as Orochimaru finally got his wish. He kissed "Tsunade" who promptly screamed and pulled away, rushing back to her room.

In the safety of my room, I reviewed my lessons:

Do not spike missing nins' foods.

Do not annoy Itachi (too much at least).

Lock your door if you're getting changed in a house full of males.

Don't tell Rei-sama's secret to anyone (excluding all of Konoha and anyone else who comes to mind) After all, you DID swear an oath.

Don't look at a Sharingan-ed eye directly. However much it sounds fun, judging from Tobi's reaction, it isn't.So don't be tempted.

Annoying Sasuke is fun, yea, but make sure you stay clear of his senbon needles, his kunai, and his new swordy-thing.

Annoying Kabuto is fun. No restrictions there.

After rereading my notes, I decided I should lay low for the night. After I took care of a little blackmail issue. But after that, lay low as in, no pranks until you wake up. It sounded fair (at the time but now I'm finding I really wish that I'd gotten Sasuke and Kabi before they _both_ creeped me out) so I went with it.

xXx

The next morning proved to be as tension-filled and awkward as my prophetic dreams (no, not really prophetic, but they were pretty damn close to it). What my dream's didn't include was being creeped out. But they did include things like: Kabuto's arm was in a sling (though he was a top-medic nin, he wasn't exactly in the mood to heal himself yet – the bastard was too jittery to heal his arm cleanly), Orochimaru was clueless and hungover, and Sasuke was in a foul mood (just because he's Sasuke, you know?)

I, myself, was quite jumpy. I pretty much jumped at every freaking shadow and then some. As I exited my room in the morning, Sasuke happened to be leaving his as well (go figure) and upon seeing him seemingly pop out of nowhere (hey, I was half asleep), I screamed shrilly.

Now hearing _me_ scream shrilly is just as bad as hearing Kabuto scream shrilly. See, Kabuto screaming high-pitched is just… well, disturbing. Me screaming high-pitched is _really_ loud. Louder than Kabuto's. So the disturbing and the loud factors equal each other pretty much. So yeah. Anyway, on with the story.

I also jumped about a mile and went all wide-eyed. Sasuke snorted, made that "hn" sound that ticks me off, and then muttered, "Baka," before walking away nonchalantly. Hmpf. On the flip side (which was just as dark as its counterpart), I woke up a grumpy Orochimaru who wasn't very happy about that.

Stumbling out of his room, he glared at me. "What, wake up on the wrong side of the bed?" I taunted, and then turned tail and ran.

I had blackmailed Kabuto earlier into not telling O-kun that _I_ spiked his food (it only took a couple of pictures, and a recording of his scream) and Sasuke just didn't feel like telling cause that's just the way he rolls, or else I'd probably be dead. Or become Orochimaru's next test subject. Which is even worse cause it's just plain gross.

But anyway, upon Orochimaru's awakening, though he couldn't really blame me for getting him drunk and hold me accountable for his terrible hangover, he made Kabuto make breakfast for all of us and then make Orochimaru some medical tea for hangovers. Gods, and I thought listening to Sasori and Deidara argue about something as trival as art was bad.

Try watching Kabuto prance around the kitchen in a bright green spandex suit. Now, I'm not sure if Orochi-kun forced him to, or if Kabi had just taken a fancy to Lee and Gai's trademark blind-you-green-jumpsuit, but it was just plain… wrong. And the worst part was, Kabuto was a good cook. All that good cooking ruined (I lost my appetite after seeing him). Too bad. Apparently, Sasuke wasn't all that fond of watching Kabuto jump around in spandex (because Kabuto insisted that if you wanted to eat, you must watch how the food is prepared) and skipped out on breakfast. I sighed with relief when Orochimaru groaned (after eating, I noted) that Kabuto was a freak of nature, and Sasuke should make the midday meal.

But then came midday, when I realized, there was nothing to be relieved about in Sasuke cooking. Curious on what type of food Sasuke could actually make, (yes, curiosity killed the cat. But I was acting on the second half "satisfaction brought it back". Remind me that the second half never comes true, and next time my curiosity gets the better of me, to chuck it at someone I don't like) I stayed into the kitchen and watched.

Now I want to know what the deal is with pink and Uchihas. Aren't they supposed to be all manly and buff and I don't care because I can kick your ass without even trying so there and everything? I mean, Sasuke had a like, really deep mature voice even as a Genin, But noooo, Uchihas (or maybe it was just coincidence between Sasuke and Itachi), I believe, revere the eye-blinding pink.

Watching Kabuto prance around the kitchen was bad. Watching Sasuke walk around the kitchen like its his home while wearing a white puffy mushroom-like chef hat, two oven-mittens in the shape of fish, matching fish shoes, and a hot pink apron that had "KILL ITACHI" scrawled in red all over it was just plain horrid.

It was like, my worst nightmare. It was beyond alarming. It was just plain mentally disturbing. I skipped out on lunch too, and instead went back to my room to add to notes to my list.

Never let Kabuto cook. It's unsettling.

Never let Sasuke cook. It's even worse.

Only two days spent with these troopers, and I've already been mentally scarred for life in three different ways. And I will be dead petrified of snake-tongues probably for the rest of my life. Pretty fun, no?

So I decided to write a letter to my dear puppy. It went like this, and a squirrel delievered it.

_Dear Itachi-watchi,_

_What's up? I know you can't really read this, but hopefully you're still alive and Itachi hasn't made Kisame chop you up into ickle bits yet, and Deidara is reading this to you. I really hope for Sasori, Deidara, Kisame and Itachi's sakes that you are still alive. _

_Love always,_

_--Sarai_

**A/N:**

**Hehe! I hope you liked it! **

**Also, I only have a few questions for the Ask Saraiyu! I need just a couple more before I can actually start the fanfic! **

**Yes, I am working on finishing off AA101 with the Characters Meet the Authoress, but I just had a couple of cans of coke, and I just HAD to write this. Lmao,**

**--Aes Sedai**


	3. Games

**A/N: Chapter 3… yay!**

**--Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto… but I will someday…**

**I'm currently experiencing second wind. Hyperactivity while extremely tired. Way cool, yes?**

**Chapter 3:**

_**Childhood Games**_

Dinner went by without any notable events, aside from the fact that Kabuto turned beet red whenever he gave Orochimaru a shy, fluttering look that screamed, "I'M GAY FOR A PEDOPHILE! DAMN SASUKE FOR STEALING MY MASTER'S ATTENTION!" Other than that, the meal was actually peaceful. Or it would have been, if I hadn't interfered.

Luckily, there were no cooking incidents; I had insisted that we go into the closet town to get take out. Sasuke agreed quickly as did Orochi-kun, but Kabuto pouted for about an hour before finally accepting that he would NOT get to cook that night. At which point Orochimaru got down on his knees and thanked the gods.

Dinner was perfect. Too perfect. So, naturally, I just had to disrupt the natural flow. Softly at first, but then getting progressively louder, I started singing…

"Orochi and Tsunade, sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Orochi Jr. sittin' in a baby carriage!" After about five rounds of the song, O-kun finally heard me. His eyes narrowed.

"Shut. Up. That will _never_ happen!" The guy hissed at me. I gasped in mock-shock and clapped my hands over my mouth. "OMG I am soooo sorry. Wrong song!"

"Orochi and a snake, hiding in a bush. Orochi kissed Tsunade, so she pummeled him into mush. Then O-kun started spying, and Tsunade sent him flying, poor, poor, Orochi-kun."

Orochimaru and Kabuto were both rapidly turning red. Orochimaru was righteously angry (for the first time in his life) and Kabuto was angry for Orochimaru, as if the snake wasn't livid enough for himself.

"Why do you insist that I am in love with the Fifth Hokage?" Orochimaru asked dangerously. I smiled at him. "Easy. 1) She's really pretty, if you like old ladies. 2) She's the Fifth Hokage. It's okay to be jealous. She can wear those coolio white robes and that awesome hat if she wants too, and you can't. 3) Don't deny it. I can _see_ the chemistry between you two… or just you. 4) ITS OBVIOUS…"

Kabuto glared at me furiously.

"Yea, well you want to know what I think?" Kabuto asked angrily.

"No. Not really, but fire away, seeing as I'll probably get to hear it anyway."

"_I_ think that _you_ like Orochimaru-sama."

Titling my chair back, I inspected my nails as I responded coolly. "_Me_ like _Orochimaru?_ Are you on crack of something! He's a freak of nature. I don't like pedophiles. I don't exactly like snakes either. You are truly an idiot, Kabi-kun. A complete and utter fool..." The words "idiot" and "fool" were echoed by Orochimaru and Sasuke, both of them muttering into their drinks, respectively. Kabuto turned red and left the room quickly. I followed, returning to my own room.

The next morning, I found a clay bird riding on the back of my sweet puppy. Itachi had arrived with a short missive for me.

_Dear Saraiyu –_

_Yeah, Itachi wanted to kill the cute little puppy, which was why we sent him back to you. Where the hell are you anyway?... yeah…_

_Sasori, Kisame, and Itachi send their love and they all miss you._

_--Deidara._

I suddenly had an image of said Akatsuki pounding Deidara into the dust for that comment. Ah well, that's his problem. But Itachi had gotten sent to me! Yay! So… Wait. Where _is_ Itachi!

I was sitting at the small desk in my room rereading Deidara's short letter when I realized Itachi wasn't there anymore. O.o. Oh dear… this means trouble, yes?

Jumping to my feet, I immediately began a search throughout the whole underground layout, first asking the mice to check the smelly place where Orochi-kun does his "experiments".

They had just confirmed that Itachi was _not_ there when I heard a loud yell – shriek, more like, from Orochimaru's room. "WHAT THE FUCK IS A FUCKIN DOG DOING IN MY FREAKING HIDEOUT!"

Dashing back through the hallway, I burst into Orochi-kun's room. "Itachi! Itachi, come here!" The puppy ran from the snake and jumped into my arms. I shifted and groaned. Itachi was getting _way_ too big for me to carry. Unfortunately, Sasuke had heard me yelling 'Itachi!' in the madness. Running from his room, screaming "WHERE!" he joined me in Orochimaru's room. His screams drew Kabuto from his room.

The medic nin came rushing in yelling "ARE WE UNDER ATTACK?" Just before Sasuke screamed, "MY EYES, MY VIRGIN EYES!" I glanced in the direction Sasuke was staring in. Orochimaru was in nothing but his boxers. Oh gods. How is it that I failed to notice that?

Instead of giving an answer, the gods decided to screw with me. Glancing at Kabuto and Sasuke, I saw that neither of them were wearing anything but boxers (whitey-tighties in Kabi's case). Everything spun into chaos once more as I dropped Itachi and rushed from the room, screaming, "OMFG I'M BLIND OMFG"

I headed for the kitchen and upon reaching it, began throwing up into the garbage can. Seeing Sasuke half-naked wasn't that bad (I mean, he IS hot…) but Kabuto? And Orochimaru? It makes me want to die.

When I finally recovered, I realized I was no longer alone. Kabuto had come to join me (thankfully, he was fully clothed).

"I've a few questions for you…" Kabi said bluntly, getting straight to the point. "Well, Orochimaru-sama sent me to get answers…"

"Who _are_ you?"

I rolled my eyes. "You read that damn information card. You should know who I am…"

"Why are you here?"

"I'm bored."

"Why?"

"There's nothing to do in Konoha."

"Why?"

"Sakura is training with Tsunade and Naruto is somewhere over the rainbow with Jiraiya-perv."

"So why did you come here?"

"To annoy Sasuke."

"Why?"

"It's funny."

"Why?"

"It just is."

"Okay."

I rolled my eyes again. Lame-o! "Now I have a few questions for _you_."

"Fine."

"Why does Orochimaru wear his little purple butterfly-wings?"

"Butterfly wings?"

"Those ropes."

"Oh. It makes him look cool."

"How so? To me it makes him look gay."

"Don't say that about Orochimaru-sama!"

"Why?"

"Because he isn't!"

"How do you know?"

"I just do! Now shut up!"

"Why?"

"Because you're annoying."

"Why?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"You're supposed to be smart."

"Argh! Go back to Konoha!"

"Why?"

"Because you're annoying!"

"Why?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know? You just are!"

"Well, you're supposed to be smart. Aren't medic nins usually smart?"

"Urgh! Go away!"

"Why?"

"OH NO WE DON'T!"

"Oh no we don't what?"

"We are _not _going back into this ring again!"

"Why?"

"YOU ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING!"

"I know."

"Then why don't you try to stop?"

"I don't feel like it."

"Argh!"

Then Kabuto stormed off. I think the grump woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Jeez, he gets annoyed easily. Especially if you poke fun about Orochi.

Huh, Naruto and I can keep those "why?" chats up for about an hour. Usually we just go around in circles, but it's always hilarious when someone falters, and loses. We regard it as a game. A fun game that others find annoying to take part in or even listen too!

So I went to play a game with Orochimaru. A different one…

"What the hell are you doing here?" the guy said the second I popped up in his "secret" training spot where he usually trained Sasuke.

Said trainee merely glanced at me.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I mimicked.

Orochimaru crossed his arms. I imitated him. "Stop it!"

"Stop it!"

Orochi-kun glared. I glared back. "You are so annoying."

"You are so annoying."

Orochi took two steps. I took two steps. Orochi suddenly disappeared and appeared behind Sasuke, bonked him over the head, and reappeared beside me. I jumped behind Sasuke, attempted to hit him over the head and failed, and jumped back to my original spot.

Sasuke glared at me, pissed off now. It kind of reminded me of Itachi, but Itachi usually looked much more insane and like he really wanted to kill me. But Sasuke looked sane and like he wanted to kill me, which was scary, if not as scary as Itachi.

"Iiiitaaaacchhiii!" I called. "We're going for a walk!"

Sasuke's head jerked up when I called the psycho's name. "You're going for a walk with my _brother_?" He asked incredulously.

"No. With my puppy." Said puppy jumped into the clearing, landing at my feet. "_This_ Itachi." Sasuke sighed. His sigh pretty much said 'You named a fucking dog after my fucking brother who killed my whole fucking family. You are so fucking lame.'

Whatever. Then Itachi started barking and yapping and whizzed off. "AYEAA!" I yelled, and chased after the dog.

"WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING, ITACHI!" Ten minutes had gone by, and the dog still wouldn't stop. I was getting tired, and Itachi was just getting started. Strangely, I got the feeling that I wasn't alone…

About an hour later I finally found Itachi happily panting in a small clearing. Only he wasn't alone.

"_Deidara_? What the hell are _you_ doing here?" I asked incredulously, staring at the blonde shinobi who was petting my dog.

"I could ask the same of you, yeah. If I didn't already know. But I'm here on a mission."

"To do _what_, may I ask?"

"Actually, I was sent to look for you. We want your brother's Kyuubi and Itachi will do anything to get it." I arched an eyebrow.

"Whatever. C'mon Itachi! We're leaving."

"NO! Wait! I'll… have a contest of your choice, if I win, you're coming with me, if you win, you can go and I won't follow you." I contemplated that…

"A contest of _my_ choice, eh? Okay, I choose a… handstand contest! But the winner has to win by at least five minutes." Deidara groaned. I grinned.

"One, two, three, go!" On 'Go!' I pushed off the ground with my feet and balanced onto my hands.

Slowly, an hour passed.

You know how people say it's bad to stay upside down for a long time because the blood will rush to your head? Welll, I was finally beginning to understand it. My head felt really heavy, and I could tell Deidara was struggling to stay up.

Another hour.

I know what you're thinking – a two hour handstand contest! C'mon, give me a break! Get real! But just think about it – Deidara is a S-class missing nin, and I'm the crazy, hyperactive sister to the Kyuubi. (Believe it or not, I can actually talk to the fox whenever Naruto does. Now that's what I call scary.)

And now my head hurts a lot. Suddenly, Deidara toppled. With a sigh of relief, I tottered over to a tree and leaned against it. Everything was upside down, including Deidara now.

Said ninja protested vehemently. "Hey! Yeah, that's cheating!" I grinned, and retorted, "I didn't specify the rules. Heh, you could have done it to! I WIN!" A minute later, I returned to my feet. The blood drained out of my head, and I saw stars. A lot of them.

I stumbled around, disoriented for about five minutes before I was finally able to get my bearings. "Cya!" I told Deidara brightly, before heading back towards the Underground Lair via. Trick Deidara By Going a Different Direction and then Doubling Back path.

xXx

Deidara stumbled into the house. "Mission failed?" Sasori asked shortly.

The blonde nodded miserably. "Yes… I lost in a handstand contest." Sasori nodded sympathetically, and then added a cryptic, "Yes, and Itachi's going to nail you to a tree and leave you there to die now. I wonder who I'll get as a new partner…"

**A/N:**

**Yet another chapter finished! Yay!**

**--Aes Sedai**


	4. Ten Fingers

**A/N:**

**Hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. K? Kay….**

**Hehehe…**

**Chapter 4:**

_**Ten Fingers**_

Sarai was bored. Now, Sasuke once said that he would rather starve himself three days than spend a day with a bored Naruto or Saraiyu. Put them together, and he'd read one of Kakashi's Icha Icha books for a week _and_ starve himeslf for two. That had always puzzled Orochimaru… well, at least until he experienced the Uzumaki terrorism for himself.

She seemed like such a sweet angel when she first came, a good spy, and an innocent little girl that Orochimaru could bend to his will. A game called Ten Fingers and the five days that followed cured him of that nonsense fairly quickly.

The two Sound nins and the undecided bastard of a cow with a duckbutt haircut were sitting in the den, Kabuto sprawled on the couch, Orochimaru sitting in a chair, and the aforementioned Cow-Duck standing in a corner ignoring all of them. ((How Sasuke is a cow… well, his eyes are black and he wears a white shirt and I just imagined how weird it would be if there were black eyes all over his shirt so then I got the image of black and white spots which reminded me of the Sun which reminded me of the Red Clouds at Dawn, alias, the Akatsuki, and then I realized that Zetsu reminded me of a Venus flytrap for some reason that can't be explained -cough-sarcasm-cough-, and he wasn't the best of friends with anyone, especially Itachi, who was Sasuke's brother, which brought me back to the black and white spots which brought to mind a cow.))

Saraiyu waltzed in, took one look at the room, before putting her hands on her hips and declaring, "I'm bored." Sasuke groaned, and muttered, "Gods help us…"

"Let's play… spin the bottle!... oh wait, no there are only two guys and two girls. That's not enough people…"

Someone snorted indignantly. "_Two_ girls? I'm a guy, thank you very much," Kabuto commented in what he probably thought was cool nonchalance. It wasn't. But don't tell him that. He might cry.

"Oh, I wasn't talking about _you_ Kabi-kun. I was talking about Ms. Snake-Sannin over there…" Orochimaru glared. Sarai grinned devilishly, something she was very good at.

"Truth or dare… maybe later, I don't really like that game as of the _last_ sleepover I had…"

She continued to ponder, ideas flitting across her mind, speaking them out loud and then dismissing them with a reason that was beyond any of the others. Sometimes she would just shudder and give a vehement no, which earned a perplexed glance from Kabuto, the only one who was really paying attention.

And then…

"OHMYGOSH! WE CAN PLAY TEN FINGERS!!!!!!"

"Excuse me?" Orochimaru's soft hiss came.

"Yes. It's a game when you hold up all your fingers. Then you say something you have never done. If someone says something that you've done, you put your fingers down. The last person to put their fingers down loses and then the others choose something that the loser and the winner have to do."

Sasuke smirked. He considered himself a veteran to this game, and prepared himself to the tortures that Sarai could think up. Kabuto shrugged – Let's face it, sitting on a couch and staring at your crush is boring. On the other hand, sitting on the floor in a circle and staring at your crush is a ton more fun.

Orochimaru sighed in submission before sitting in the circle with the other three.

"Sasuke can go first." Sarai said excitedly.

"Hn. I have never… kissed Naruto." Sarai grinned, coughed something that sounded oddly like "LIAR", murmured "Oh really? I happen to remember that one time at the ninja orientation..." and put a finger down. When Kabuto arched an eyebrow, she shrugged, and gave a simple "Hello! Good night kiss?" as an explanation. And then gave Sasuke an accusing look. He gave her his best death glare. Oh yea, he remembered that Ninja orientation incident as well.

"I've never… attempted to kill the Third Hokage." Orochimaru put down a finer with a grin, as Sarai shook her head and gave a soft "tsk, tsk" before coming to the resolute decision of asking her question even though it might result in many painful tortures.

"I have never slept with anyone in this room," She said simply. Kabuto gave Orochimaru a sidelong glance. Orochimaru gave Sasuke a sidelong glance. Sasuke glowered at his feet. All of them put a finger down. Sarai doubled over in laughter. The others merely turned red. Really red.

"I have never hugged Tsunade…" Orochimaru said quietly, voice a little forlorn. Sarai put a finger down, grinning. "I see her as the grandmother I never had…" That brought Sarai to two fingers down, Orochimaru with two, Sasuke with one, and Kabuto with one.

"Round two! Fire away, Sasuke."

"Hn… I have never drunk sake before." Kabuto gave a snort of disbelief, as Orochimaru and Kabuto both put fingers down. Sarai – 2, Kabi – 2, Orochi – 3, Sasuke – 1.

--**SARAI POV**—

Surprisingly, I had convinced Orochi-kun to play. Somehow. Heh, 10 Fingers is a great way to get people to admit to stuff they'd never admit to… and torment the loser and the winner. Gods, I hope I don't lose. Or win.

"Hmm… I have never…" Kabuto trailed off, pushed his glasses up onto his nose more, thinking. "Ah! I have never been attacked by any members of the Akatsuki for personal reasons."

I snorted and put a finger down, bringing me to three. Kabuto arched an eyebrow. I grinned at him. "Itachi isn't exactly the nicest guy on the block, yes?"

"Hn." Sasuke agreed, and both he and O-kun put fingers down, bringing them to 2 and 4 respectively. "Try _all_ of them…" Orochimaru snorted derisively.

"I have never kissed/been kissed by Uchiha Itachi," I said brightly. Orochimaru went a little red as he put a finger down. Screw a little red, Sasuke went _a lot_ red as he put a finger down as well. 5 and 3… Oh dear.

"Ha! You've _kissed_ your own brother!?" I taunted Sasuke – sure, not the smartest thing to do, but hey, it was fun. "I was _four_ and it was a _good night_ kiss that Mother made us do to 'strengthen our brotherly relations' as she called it." Sasuke snarled, rising to his defense. I raised an eyebrow at Orochimaru.

"Sorry, Snakey, but you don't have that excuse…"

"Of course I don't… I thought Uchiha was a girl when he first joined." Said snake responded calmly. Kabuto left the room for about five minutes, and sounds of him emptying his stomach in the kitchen could be heard. Quite clearly, I might add.

"I have never thrown up before."

I put a finger down. So did Kabuto. Well, I guess we're the only girls in the room, then! So that brought us all too… O-kun: 5. Sasuke: 3. Me: 4. Kabuto: 3.

Fun, yes?

"Hn. I have never eaten ramen before." I stared at Sasuke, mouth hanging open. "Sasuke… you don't know what you've been missing out on all these years…"

Sasuke shrugged and gave me a 'hn.' Orochi-kun, Kabi and I all put down a finger.

"I have never… Kissed Sasuke before." Orochimaru put a finger down. I did too. Kabuto gave me a questioning glance and an accusatory, "_You_ kissed _Sasuke_?" I gave Orochimaru a questioning glance and a sweet, "OHMYGOSH, _Snakey_ kissed _Sasuke?_"

That shut Kabuto up pretty quickly. Sasuke merely stared at the floor, redder than usual. Almost a tomato red, but not quite.

"I have never killed anyone before." All three of them put their fingers down. Orochimaru – ha, I didn't even want to ask. Kabuto – Nah… probably on O-kun's orders. And Sasuke? Well, I don't question the emo kids. They might kill me. Seriously. I mean, take Itachi for example. He went loco and killed his whole freaking family!

"I have never failed a mission." Kabuto shrugged, and put a finger down. Sasuke didn't. I gave him an incredulous look, and commented, "What about that mission with the daimyo's gorgeous daughter…" I trailed off. Sasuke gave me another death glare, and put a finger down. I grinned and then it occured to me. "But I'm not a ninja!" I protested. "That isn't a fair statement!"

Orochimaru shrugged. I didn't put a finger down.

So that brought us all to… Orochi-kun:8. Oh cool, he was going to win. Kabuto had… 6. Sasuke had 5. And I had a whopping… 6.

The game continued. In the end, Orochi-kun won because he had indeed gotten drunk and done something extremely stupid, and turns out, Kabuto had too. O-kun had also almost died on a mission, as did Sasuke and Kabuto. These mission statements really sucked, because I'm not a ninja. I really think they were conspiring for me to lose…

So O-kun won. Kabuto came in second. He did own a teddy bear, he did have glasses, and he had kissed a snake before. Sasuke got third… He did have a teddy bear, he did not rely on Sakura on any missions, he did kill his first person on a mission, and he had completed an A rank mission with his team. Actually, it was the one with that girl-guy Haku and that Demon Zabuza which had been switched to an A. But it counted.

And me…. I got last.

And guess what Sasuke thought up? He and Kabuto shut me in a room with _Snakey_ for FIVE WHOLE DAYS! Five days! Gods, the nerve of them!

Well, I made sure Snakey regretted it… but I'll never like snakes. And I'll never like pale guys. Ever. No way. Never, never, _never._

----- NORM POV---

Those five days were hell for both Sarai and Orochimaru.

For the most part, Sarai hung out in the bathroom because it had big window that she could open (it was more like a little tunnel since the whole thing was underground). Bewteen the window and other factors, mainly Orochimaru, she grew fond of the bathroom. But she always mad sure the was locked. She took to locking doors after her since Orochimaru had walked in on her. For about three hours a day, Sarai would sneak out of the bathroom while Orochimaru stood outside hopping up and down on one foot trying to control his bladder.

When Sarai returned and opened the door to reveal Orochimaru with a face contorted with concentration she would laugh and get out. While he was in the bathroom, she would bar the door and lock him in there. When he wanted to get out, she'd just laugh. Then he would ask what the hell she had been doing for the past three hours he had been banging on the door for, and she'd cheekily respond, "You were _banging_ the door?! Gross!"

Whereupon Orochimaru would throw his hands up in despair and sleep in the bathtub. Sarai would then let him out in the morning, and the whole cycle would be repeated.

Ever morning, afternoon and night, Sasuke or Kabuto would slide bread and water ((ah, what a healthy diet)) into the room. This grated on Orochimaru, but for Sarai it didn't really matter since during those three hours she'd stop into the kitchen, say hi to Sasuke and Kabuto, grab something to eat, and then leave.

Yes, S&K knew that she was escaping. Quite frankly, Sasuke didn't care… and Kabuto? Well he considered it punishment for Orochimaru-sama since the Snake didn't return Kabuto's affections.

And the last day was the downfall of Kabuto and Sasuke the amateur pranksters. As a grand finale… well, let's just say it wasn't pretty. Kabuto and Sasuke took some inspiration from the first day. They left ramen at the door. Orochimaru turned the tables on the Uzumaki (who happen to absolutely love ramen though OF COURSE Orochi didn't know that…).

He locked Sarai in the bathroom and ate all the ramen by himself. Oh dear. Climbing out the window, Sarai ducked into the kitchen. Kabuto looked up and Sasuke didn't even bother. "Escaping a drunk Orochimuar?" Sasuke commented coolly. Sarai arched an eyebrow. "So you _spiked_ it? I'm surprised Kabi-kun let you!"

Kabuto merely smiled and pushed his glasses up. A distant crash could be heard coming from the room where Orochimaru and a loud yelp. An even louder "KABUTO, SASUKE WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE…!" followed. Kabuto and Sasuke shared a glance before Kabuto muttered, "I think I'm going on a vacation," followed by a "hn" from Sasuke.

**A/N:**

**Sorry that took so long! Hope you liked it!!!!  
**

**XDD **

**--Aes Sedai**


	5. A Faulty Sharingan

**A/N:**

**Hehe! Hope you guys like it, this one's dedicated to Straight From the Produce Section!!!**

**OMG I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY I DIDN"T UPDATE SOONER!**

**Chapter 5:**

_**A Faulty Sharingan**_

The first thing he heard when he woke was the wailing alarms that Orochimaru had put in against unwanted intruders. They were actually really easy to get by (as shown by Sarai) but a bumbling idiot could set them off. And besides, there were the shinobi-alarms – the ones for the silenter shinobi that had cought Sarai off-guard.

Kabuto – the paranoid freak – had made the three nukenin in the vacinity do countless drills. Instinct and practice prepread Sasuke for this moment. Jumping out of his bed, ne drew a kunai and sprinted out the door. Problem was, his first step over the threshold and he slipped… right into Orochimaru, who, unfortunately, was dashing out his door too.

For a terrifying second, Sasuke's head almost rammed into the snake's chest. (Sasuke hadn't grown much and Orochimaru was still a lot taller.) Except the quick-thinking snake bent his head.

In the end, the two's lips ended up smashing against each other in a kiss as a "sleepy" Sarai walked out of her door, hiding peals of giggles with yawns. Kabuto skittered into the hallway, covered in glue and confetti. If anyone had been watching Sarai, they would have immediately caught the culprit.

As it was, Sasuke was currently clutching his throat and coughing like there was no tomorrow, frantically wiping his lips on his arm trying to get the Snake-Cootues off of him. Orochimaru was snake-ishly grinning, and Kabuto was looking thoroughly depressed and was glowering at Sasuke.

Both Sasuke and Orochimaru retreated to their rooms to get the soap off their feet. When they were fully dressed they both walked silently to breakfast.

Upon opening the door, they didn't get much further as glue was dumped on them, the bucket containing it hitting Sasuke quite painfully on the back of his head. After two seconds of complete shock, Kabuto came in from the other side… and was treated to the same breakfast – only he got chocolate syrup which was way cooler.

About an hour later, Sasuke got the syrup out of his hair. It now resembled a bunch of spikes—aka, Naruto's style which greatly disappointed Sasuke (he was fond of his duckbutt no matter what people said about it). For Orchimaru – it was much worse. He had to cut his beautiful, long hair to shoulder length.

Walking into the kitchen, still mourning the necessity of cutting off his beautiful locks, he was treated to a gaping Kabuto and a snort from Sarai. "So you _are_ a guy…" He heard someone –cough-Sarai-cough- mutter. Pale with rage, he stormed out to look up a hair-growing jutsu, leaving Sarai and Kabuto to pick up their conversation where they left off.

"As I was saying, you've got to be the worst possible shinobi I've ever seen. You're not that great at fighting, you're mediocre at healing at best, and you probably couldn't do a proper transformation jutsu if your life depended on it!" Sarai proclaimed airily.

Kabuto glared at her. "Oh really?" His hands flashed as they went through a short series of hand seals. Yelling something that Sarai couldn't hear due to the fact that her head was in the refrigerator, he promptly turned into Naruto in a puff of smoke. Turning, Sarai scoffed, "Ha! That's the worst transformation jutsu I've ever seen!" mere seconds before Sasuke burst in.

Taking one look at Kabuto in Naruto's form, his Sharingan flashed on, three tomoe whirling. In about ten seconds, Sasuke managed to break four of Kabuto's ribs, his left arm and leg, and give him numerous bruises for the next day. The medic-nin was rendered unconscious and unable to heal himself, which sucked for him.

Grinning, Sarai commented, "Neji taught me where some of the chakra channely-things or whatever they're called are...…" Walking over to Kabuto, she promptly pressed two points on his body lightly. "Oops." She said coolly. "Guess Kabuto's going to have to heal naturally."

Sasuke faked surprise. "_Kabuto_? I thought that was Naruto!" He exclaimed mockingly. "Oh, Kabuto-kun, I'm _so_ sorry!"

Sarai snorted. "He can't hear you... and I didn't know your mastery of the Sharingan was that terrible…"

Sasuke shrugged. "It isn't. Kabuto just pisses me off. The fucking bastard."

Choking sounds came from Sarai as she tried to muffle her laughter. Five minutes later found her failing amazingly – rolling on the floor, laughing (just for the sake of it. It really wasn't _that_ funny) – as Orochimaru walked in.

The Snake Sannin took one look at the hysterical girl, muttered, "Females…" and walked out. Sasuke shook his head. Sitting up abruptly, face cloudy, Sarai tried to get a word out but only succeeded in sputtering inarticulately for a second. Finally she regained enough composure to vehemently hiss, "Is he sexist? Oh, he's going to get it…" The last part was said in an amiable tone, but Sasuke knew that Sarai was capable of malicious pranks. Oh well, sucks for Orochimaru.

xXx

As Orochimaru woke up, he checked his room for traps, water bombs, glue, soap, etc. He realized now that with Saraiyu around, it never hurt to double-check. He realized that he had everything to gain as he disassembled four traps – one to dump water on him as he exited, and three attempts to cover him in glue and feathers. Satisfied that all of the traps had been disabled, he dressed quickly and left his rooms.

He yawned and then walked into the kitchen. (He yawned outside the kitchen because it'd be too undignified to yawn inside the kitchen, aye? Especially if someone was there. One of the rules in the How-To-Be-An-Evil-Murdering-Snaketamer-Bastard Handbook said never act human around your subbordinates. And, like Voldemort, Orochimaru followed that handbook. No wonder both of them are creepy bastards.) Nonetheless, Orochimaru expected booby-traps and small tricks from Sarai.

What he didn't expect was an immobile Kabuto, broken body parts and all, leaned up against two chairs with Sarai ducking behind him. Three snowballs came his way and hit him square on before he could gather his bearings.

_What the fuck?_ He thought as he dodged the girl's cold missiles. That is, until he ran and tripped into a heavy-duty garbage can filled with something sticky smelled faintly of maple syrup.

What's more, Orochimaru found he couldn't move. Sarai walked up to him casually, snowballs in hand. She rested the extra ammo on the table, and tossed another snowball up and down casually. Her whole stance screamed 'Victory!'

"So… got pretty cocky, didn't you?" She asked calmly. Just as evenly, Orochimaru replied, "I expected the traps, but not this."

"Of course. They were diversions to lower your alertness."

"Ah… intelligent…" He paused for a moment, before asking, "What happened to Kabuto-kun?"

"Ah… the bastard henged into Naruto and Sasuke attacked him… a pity really, could have been completely avoided if the fucker hadn't turned into Naruto…"

Orochimaru raised an eyebrow. _Her language reminds me of Tayuya_..."I thought Sasuke-kun knew how to use his Sharingan better than that."

Sarai shrugged. "Same. Anyway, as nice as this little chat is, I've a few matters to cover."

"A. You're sexist aren't you."

"If you mean that women are physically and mentally weaker than men, then yes." A big, wet, _cold_ snowball hit Orochimaru squarely on the face. _I suppose that was the wrong answer…_

"B. Do you like snow?"

"No." Two more snowballs.

"That's good, because I was contemplating – nah, I'll just do that another time. The point is, I wasn't quite sure how much the cold annoyed you. Wasn't sure if this whole thing would be effective."

"You know you are dead once I get free."

"Yeah. I know. That's why I planned to take a couple of days off from annoying you guys until your anger cools."

"That was smart."

"Yea, I do have quite a few good ideas now and then."

"You have about ten seconds to run."

Sarai chucked the rest of the snowballs, picked up a bag that had been resting against Kabuto, and fled out the door in under seven seconds.

_Shit._ Orochimaru thought to himself. _That was a total bluff, and now I'm really stuck_. It didn't help that Sasuke walked in, stared at him and starting laughing like Orochimaru was some wearing a fuzzy pink kimono and doing the Chicken Dance.

**A/N:**

**OMG I AM SOOOOOOOO SORRY THAT WAS LATE.**

**I'm in need of ideas. If you have any good ones concerning a guest character (you), I'll put you in the next chapter. Yay! – Oh, by the way, Sarai is headed towards her good ol' Akatsuki buddies for a chapter… xDDD**

**-Aes Sedai**


	6. Of Shark and Tuna

**A/N:**

**Hope you like it. **

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto.

**I only own Saraiyu… and Kohaku Maguro owns herself (first name her Japanese translation, surname given to her.) Kohaku is really **Othello101 **XD. Maguro means tuna in Japanese (I think) so that's why I chose it. xD You'll see!**

"Talking"

_Thinking_

**Handtalk**

**Chapter 6:**

**_Of Shark and Tuna_**

"Art is a b-?" The door rang, interrupting the blonde shinobi about to launch into his favorite argument. Pouting childishly, he got up to answer it.

"Un?" A blond fourteen-year-old looked down at Deidara from an overhanging tree branch. "Hi!" She yelled excitedly. And then started giggling and promptly fell out of the tree. At the last possible second, she twisted, grabbed onto a lower branch and swung herself of. Landing neatly, her bright-green eyes rested on Deidara. The blond nin's single eye twitched slightly at all the black the girl was wearing before heaving a relieved sigh.

"For a second there, I thought you were someone else, un. Gods help us, we're still trying to recover from _her_."

The girl looked puzzled for a moment. "Her?" She asked, completely mystified. Deidara nodded. "There was this other girl with blond hair… un." Deidara mentally shuddered.

"So… un, what do you want?" The girl looked at him. The expression on her face said, loud and clear, 'What do you _think_ I want? It's fricken COLD outside!' God, people could compress a lot of words into one glance. Deidara had never had anything against blond girls (except for Sarai, maybe) and hell, she only _looked_ a year younger than him…

"Whatever, un." And now we explore a devilish twist of the blond artist's mind. "Come in… but do look at the pictures on this wall... I'm gonna send Itachi out to say hi to you..." The girl shrugged.

"Whatever."

xXx

Itachi looked up as Deidara walked in. He arched an eyebrow. "Someone wants to see you, Itachi-san. They're in the hallway. And they're going to stay with us for a short time." Itachi eyed Deidara askance, unsure of what to make of this.

So he responded with the universal 'I have absolutely no idea what to say nor do I feel like making something up or pretending that I'm actually interested' phrase. "Hn." Standing, he left the room, walking to the hall (and almost bumping into a random table in the dim light).

A total of two seconds later, he froze upon seeing the blond girl standing in said hallway. "What are _you_ doing here!?" Now, Deidara said that Itachi had sent him after Sarai the day that the two had their handstand contest. But in truth, Itachi didn't want Sarai back. Getting the Kyuubi the good old fashioned way was far more preferable than spending x amount of time with an annoying little girl so in truth, the Deidara-going-after-Sarai thing had just been to keep the Leader from thinking that Kisame and Itachi were 'slacking' off.

And upon seeing the blond girl in front of him, he almost had a heart attack. Sadly for Sasuke, he didn't. Instead, his calm mask dropped as he asked the question above.

The girl turned and smiled. "People keep mistaking me for someone else!" She exclaimed brightly (in a Sarai-like way), green eyes sparkling. _Green_ eyes (though how Itachi could tell being near-blind and all is beyond me, and I'm the authoress!). Good, it wasn't Sarai. That she-devil had blue eyes.

It was then that Itachi noticed Deidara had come out into the hall and was suffering from the inability to breathe because he was laughing so hard. "Damn you." Itachi muttered.

"Excuse me?" The girl asked.

"Oh… un, sorry, I forgot… did I give you my name? Deidara, un, at your service. That's Itachi-san. He's almost blind so be nice to him. Gods know we should help the crippled." Deidara sidestepped quickly to escape punishment for the last part of his words. Both Akatsuki were astounded when the girl promptly doubled over, laughing about nothing.

"Hello Deidara-san… Itac-HA!-hi-san… I'm Kohaku… Maguro Kohaku," she managed to gasp between breaths. Deidara grinned at this. Then something dawned on him as he yelled, "OI, SHARK-SAN! I HOPE YOU LIKE TUNA, BECAUSE DINNER'S RIGHT HERE!" Kohaku made a face. "It's _Kohaku_ not Maguro," she commented. Deidara gave her a lopsided grin, and shrugged.

"I'm just trying to annoy Kisame. He's touchy about his looks." Kohaku started to twitch violently before erupting into more giggles.

"Un… I guess I'll show you where you can stay… un." Deidara said awkwardly, smiling.

"This is the kitchen un. That's Kisame, aka Shark-san. That's my partner, Sasori-danna… un?" Turning back, Deidara glanced at the girl. She stood as if frozen, staring at either Kisame or Sasori. Ha, she had good enough reason to look at either of them – after all, Kisame was a shark and Sasori… well, to girls, he was very cute.

"Un, Shark-san, Sasori-danna, this is Sarai – ha just kidding! This is Maguro Kohaku." Kohaku gave a little wave. Sasori glanced up uninterested, and then went back to staring at his breakfeast (which he had arranged into a smiley face.) He never had to eat – after all he was a puppet – but he liked to eat now and then, or just stare at food.

Kisame arched an eyebrow, muttered something that sounded like "_Amber tuna?"_ The girl heard, and stuck her tongue out at him.

Deidara grinned, and then started walking towards the stairs, motioning for her to follow. As they walked up the stairs and through the hallway, Deidara pointed out his, Sasori's, Kisame's and Itachi's rooms respectively, stopping at a door next to Itachi's.

"This is your room, un. There's a door that connects to Itachi's but don't open if you fear for your life. Un, last time someone stayed in this room, they drove Itachi off the edge. So I suggest you just stick to your room, un. Don't go into any room without knocking, and don't bother knocking on Sasori-danna or Itachi-san's rooms – they won't let you in. Sasori-danna likes his privacy… and Itachi doesn't let anyone into his room anymore – he's still a little paranoid, un."

Kohaku smiled. "This Sarai must've been quite the prankster." Deidara gave an exaggerated nod.

"Thank you, Deidara-san." Opening the door she stopped.

"Oh, hey Koku." Deidara almost fainted. The room that Kohaku was _supposed_ to stay in now had two beds, and Saraiyu Uzumaki was laying across one on her stomach, reading a book.

"Hi, Sari-sar.. When'd you get here?" Kohaku asked calmly.

"Eh…" Sarai looked at her wrist, on which was absolutely nothing. "I got here about half past a freckle and quarter past a hair."

Kohaku started twitching again. She quickly sat down on the bed opposite Sarai just before the giggles came.

**So… I guess you did a pretty thorough job last time you came. You should've heard Deidara, **Kohaku signed, still laughing.

**I did. Haha, I loved the look on his face when he saw me. You're good a feigning innocence, Koku. **

"Hey Freak! I'm back – don't worry – it's only for a couple days!" Sarai exlaimed happily.

xXx

"No. Fucking. Way. Am. I. Going. Through. That. Again. There's an adjoining room next to Kisame's. They can stay _there_."

"Thanks, Itachi," Kisame commented dryly.

"Anytime." Itachi didn't hear the sarcasm in his partner's voice, or he simply ignored it. Either way, Sarai and Kohaku found themsevles in the room next to Kisame's.

Sarai sat on the bed on the left, legs hanging over the edge, swinging them. "So… Koku… how've you been doing? I mean, long time no see. Last time I saw you was when you sold me Itachi."

Kohaku nodded. "Yea, how is that puppy?"

"Oh, he's a big dog now. He's back with Orochimaru… Itachi didn't like him."

"Ah… I wonder why..."

xXx

"We… are going to play… DOUBLE DARE!" Sarai and Kohaku yelled, walking into the den. The four Akatsuki were seated on the couch and two chairs.

"Double dare, un? This won't be like truth or dare, I hope."

"Actually… its _exactly _like Truth or Dare-"

"-Except there is no truth. ONLY dares!" Kohaku started and Sarai finished.

A collective sigh swept through the room.

"If we must…" Sasori sighed.

"Cool. Kay, Sasori, you're first."

"Why me?"

"Just-"

"-do it." Once again, Sarai finished what Kohaku began.

"Okay… Deidara. I dare you to eh… poke Itachi until I say stop." Deidara groand, and started poking Itachi. Itachi, being a good sport, arched an eyebrow at Sasori, who shrugged. After about ten prolonged seconds in which Itachi was getting increasingly annoyed, the Uchiha finally lashed out and knocked Deidara unconscious, making sure the artist would have a huge lump on his head when he came to.

"Stop." Sasori chuckled. Sarai grinned. "A little late for that… but seeing as Deidara is unable to go, Itachi can."

Itachi managed a creepy smile. Oh yes, Sarai was getting the feeling she shouldn't have let Itachi go.

"Sarai. I dare you to shut up for fifteen minutes after you give whoever you're daring their dare." Sarai thought, amused.

"Alrighty then. Koku, I dare you to kiss Kisame. On the lips. For a minute. Okay, shutting up in 5, 4, -"

"Shut up already." Sarai stuck out her tongue, but she stopped talking. She motioned for Kohaku to get on with kissing Kisame already. Kohaku grimaced, and turned to the shark besides her. Wrinkling her nose, she planted a kiss on the shark's lips and held it for a minute.

**Ha, liking it Koku? **Sarai taunted.

**Ew... Hell no! Euck! He smells like fish! I _hate_ fish!!!! **Kohaku responded after seeing Sarai's fingers flashing out of the corner of her eye.

One minute later.

"Ew! Bleck! ARGH!" Upon pulling herself away, Kohaku started making noises in her throat and coughing dramatically. Standing, she ran for the kitchen, making more exaggerated noises in the process.

"Well, seeing as she's gone, I'll go." Kisame stated calmly. Giving Sarai as toothy grin, he opened his mouth as Deidara came to.

"Un... my head, un! Oh gods, my freakin head!" Kisame changed his mind abot his dare.

"Sarai. I dare you to kiss Deidara. On the lips. For five minutes." Sarai nearly burst. She jumped to her feet opened her mouth – and then remembered her former dare. She shook her fist at Kisame, mouthing the words,

"WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY YOU FUCKING FISH? I WILL **NOT** KISS DEIDARA! I WILL **NOT**!"

Kisame merely chuckled. And in the end, Sarai kissed Deidara on the lips for five minutes, and then some. Though neither would admit it, both enjoyed, judging from the fact that they completely ignored Kisame when he told them five minutes was up. At about 3 minutes and 27 seconds Kohaku came back from the kitchen and started laughing and pointing at the two, making comments occasionally such as, "Having fun, Sari-sar?" or "Jeez, Sarai, you're kissing a bomb-throwing lunatic for heaven's sake!"

Sarai bore the comments with stiff dignity, though she glared daggers at Kohaku whenever their eyes met.

xXx

"Good night, Dei-kun." Sarai said, smiling. After the short game of double dare, Sarai had gone on a long walk with Deidara, and everyone knew what they were doing. Sasori and Itachi had stayed in the den, and Kisame and Kohaku had gone to bed.

Walking into her room, it took Sarai a second to register what was wrong. A) Kohaku wasn't there, B) the window was open and blowing cold air in, and c) frigid winds were bringing sounds of giggles to her ears. Sarai rushed to the window and vaulted out of it. About halfway to the ground, a platform of air abruptly ended her freefall and lowered her safely to the ground. From there, she followed the winds.

She stopped short as she reached a secluded clearing. Two figures were in the small space, wrapped around each other. After she recognized the people, Sarai snorted loudly.

"Ha! And you made fun of me for kissing Dei-kun, Koku, yet here you are kissing a freakin SHARK!"

Kohaku and Kisame both turned and looked at Sarai. Kohaku shrugged, grinned, and then both of them walked off (presumably to another secluded clearing.)

**A/N:**

**Un means Yeah in Japanese. I just like un better xD**

**I hope you liked it!**

**-Aes Sedai**


	7. Games and Goodbye Again

**A/N:**

**So.. em… here goes XD**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto… cuz if I did … o.O**

**Handtalk**

Talk

'Thoughts' or _Thoughts_

**Chapter 7:**

_**Games and Goodbye (Again)**_

Images blurred and began to swirl in a myriad of colors… blue and amber were predominant among the colors, twisting together, stretching endlessly.

"Pssst… Koku! Wake up!"

The colors started to fade as Maguro Kohaku regained consciousness. Waking up, she glared at Sarai whose dark shape loomed over her bed. "I was having a nice dream…" she murmured quietly, blinking twice to get the blue and amber flecks of color out of her vision.

"What do you want?" Kohaku snapped in a harsh whisper, angry at her friend for waking her at what looked like two in the morning.

"Jeez, Koku, you'll never be a good prankster if you can't even wake up at the good time to pull the pranks!"

The word 'prank' sent adrenaline rushing through Kohaku's body. Now completely awake, she giggled (quietly). "Pranks! Oh, joy!"

"Yes, but I'm putting a twist to it. We're going to have a contest to see who can vex their Akatsuki members the most."

"Ah… that's no fun!" Kohaku muttered. Though she was a fair prankster herself, nobody even reached Sarai and Naruto's level. Nobody.

"Alright… so, I get Itachi. I always do – its SO easy to piss him off. Almost as easy as getting Sasuke."

"Fine. I call Shark-kun." Kohaku instantly retorted, expression dreamy but eyes devilishly mischievous. "You can have Deidara-san."

"Okay. That leaves Sasori to you. Cool. We've got eh… lets say three hours to rig traps, pranks, anything. Let the Games begin!"

Kohaku giggled as she gathered things from the closet and the secret compartment beneath the window. Sarai inched out of the room.

xXx

Kisame yawned as he woke. He was slightly tired – after all, he didn't get THAT much sleep that night due to a prolonged walk in the forest – and it was unusual for him to be up at this (for him) early hour. Reflecting on the pleasant adventure with Tuna-chan, he grinned, and rolled out of bed.

"_What?_" He gasped as he fell into a tub of brownish-reddish-orangeish (I guess) paint. In other words, it was amber.'Argh! I am seriously going to have a long talk with that… that fish!'

It was much better than ice water, Kisame reasoned. A shrill scream and a "FUCK THAT'S COLD!" prompted Kisame's next thoughts. 'Oh yea. Much better.'

"…FUCK?...UN?" followed the first scream, this time, though, it probably came from Deidara (the 'un' was a dead giveaway) whereas the first came from either Itachi or Sasori.

xXx

Sasori wasn't really a target during Sarai's 'Reign of Terror'. She just didn't seem interested in him. After all, he didn't sleep so how could she pull any pranks off? The girl seemed to specialize in getting someone just as they woke up – when they were groggy and vulnerable. Sasori was never in that state, seeing as he never slept.

So as he walked out of the door, tripped over a nearly-invisible string, and fell wooden-face first into a large tub of ice… he was immensely surprised, to say the least.

"FUCK THAT'S COLD!" He yelped in a most un-Sasori like way. Maybe a Deidara-like way, but defiantly not Sasori's style. True, this prank had been pulled on others before, and it wasn't like Sarai to completely duplicate a prank – no she always had a different variation of them – so it had to have been Kisame's new (really young) girlfriend. (Yes, Sasori knew about that. Who didn't? It was common knowledge – just like the fact that Deidara and Sarai were together. At least they were closer in age.)

Argh… when he got his hands on that girl…

xXx

To put it frankly, Itachi suffered from paranoia. Oh, he always had, but ever since the first episodes with Sarai, his 'symptoms' increased drastically. As he woke, he screwed up his eyes, trying to catch any pranks… He expected things – after all, this WAS Sarai he was dealing with.

What he didn't expect was… nothing.

Sighing (Sarai must have gotten bored with pulling pranks on him) Itachi closed his eyes now that he was sure it was safe. It was routine – he went through his morning activities with his eyes closed, Sharingan deactivated. He showered quickly, and dressed.

xXx

Deidara's eyes snapped open. He was staring at the open sky… what the fuck? Sitting bolt up, he hit his head on a random block of wood that had been positioned perfectly; the person under it would hit his head on it when he woke, but if he just stared up, he couldn't see it unless he strained.

"Ow!" He muttered sourly. He hadn't gotten that much sleep that night – he had gone for a walk with Sarai… and then he had just laid in bed and thought, managing to drift off at about one in the morning.

"What the FUCK!... UN?" He yelled, once again looking at the ceiling. It was the perfect image of a starry, moonlit night. Exactly what he had been dreaming in the restless sleep he had managed to get.

After about five minutes, he stopped freaking out and started admiring the artistic work on his ceiling. True, it wasn't the kind he believed in – the fleeting works of art. It was more Sasori-danna's style – long lasting and beautifully inspiring.

'Ah well…' he thought. 'I guess I don't mind it _that_ much, un…'

Lazily, he walked over to his closet. Opening it he bit back a yell. 'Un, I _do_ mind THAT. A lot, un!' His Akatsuki robes had been replaced with…

… white robes decorated with butterflies dancing around bushes on a path that swirled around the cloak.

Again, it was amazing artwork, but A) it was more Sasori-danna's style again, and B)_ butterflies? _Gods, at least do birds if anything!

xXx

Thus far, only Sasori (out of him, Kisame and Deidara – Itachi was probably still sleeping) was wearing Akatsuki garb. A wet, sopping, freezing cold Sasori.

Deidara was sulking in pretty white-butterfly and flower-decorated robes, and Kisame was glaring at anyone who dared to raise an eyebrow at his appearance. The norm for Kisame was blue. But today, he was amber. Down to his eyebrow-less face. It looked like he had fallen into a pool of amber coloring (which he pretty much had.)

Soon, Sarai and Kohaku came into the kitchen, yawning. Both yawns were fake – everyone knew it even though the two girls were good at it.

Sarai and Kohaku sat down together – coincidentally, Kisame was on Kohaku's left, and Deidara on Sarai's right.

"Love the new look, Dei-kun." Sarai teased. Deidara glared at the girl grinning wickedly in front of him.

"I think I win, Sari-sar. I mean, c'mon. _Look_ at them – Sasori is FREEZING cold," the man in question glared and forced himself to stop shivering. "And Shark-kun is amber."

Kisame raised an eyebrow. "Care to explain my appearance, Tuna-chan?" He asked, tone light.

"How should I know? You're the one who dressed yourself!" Kohaku retorted playfully.

**See Sarai? I win!** Her fingers flashed triumphantly.

"Ah, but you haven't seen Itachi yet." Sarai spoke outloud for the Akatsuki member's benefit.

"I think I am going to leave very soon. I don't know… I just have that feeling that when Itachi wakes up, it would be very wise for me to leave." Sarai informed Deidara calmly.

The five chatted amiably for about ten minutes. After those ten minutes, all talk came to an abrupt halt as a bright Itachi walked in.

He was coated in neon orange, from top to bottom. His dark hair, his sun-protecting hat, even his face. It looked like he had taken a shower in orange paint.

His Akatsuki robes were missing. Instead, he wore Sasuke's look before the younger Uchiha went emo. A dark blue shirt with the Uchiha fan on the back, and white shorts.

"Has anyone seen my cloak?" The blindly oblivious Itachi asked.

No one answered. Deidara (the vain man) pulled a mirror out of his new cloak. Wordlessly he handed it over to Itachi.

Quick as a flash, Sarai kissed Deidara on the cheek, and departed with a quick, "See you sometime! Feel free to stay Koku, but if you want, you know where to find me! Oh, and I win."

By the time Itachi had fully examined himself, she was out of sight.

"SARAIYU UZUMAKI GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!" He yelled angrily, and proceeded to follow the girl in question out the door.

But, alas, Sarai was long gone.

"I think I will leave… see you later, Shark-kun, Deidara-san, Red-head-whose-name-I-didn't-catch... ta ta!" Kohaku immediately disappeared, much to Itachi's displeasure (who returned empty-handed five minutes later). Both girls were gone, and he was left to vent his anger on Kisame in those sessions they called 'sparring' (actually, it was more of Itachi beating Kisame into the dust, but if they want to call it sparring, go ahead!)

xXx

He didn't know where the girl had gotten to, and quite frankly, he didn't care. To be more than frank, he was happy – and relieved – that the girl was gone. It had taken him about twenty minutes to get out of that _stuff_ but he considered it totally worth it since the girl had left.

As he rounded the corner on the stairwell to his secret lab, two hands gripped his shoulders and a voice yelled into his ear, breaking his eardrums.

"BOO!"

Orochimaru flinched with surprise– no, 'flinched with surprise' was an understatement. It was more like 'jumped five feet into the air in stark terror and shock'. Because that was what he did.

"HA! I scared ya!" Sarai grinned, pointing and laughing. Orochimaru glared at her, and with as much dignity as he could gather in such a situation, he hissed back at her.

"Gods, and here I thought you were gone for good."

"Nope. Not gone. I probably won't leave for a while. I think its fun here!"

"Oh joy. Saraiyu is going to stay _longer_…" Orochimaru replied dryly.

"ARGH! Go FUCK yourself!" Kabuto yelled loudly. Sarai arched an eyebrow and Orochimaru, and bounded down the rest of the steps. Her annoying voice echoed up to the Snake sannin as she mocked Kabuto.

"Do you find that yelling at your diagrams makes the pencil lines get up and rearrange themselves to your liking?" Orochimaru could picture Kabuto's glare.

The image was shattered by Kabuto's shriek. "Crap! You scared me!" floated up through the stairwell.

"Say… what are those drawings of anywa– WHAT THE FUCK!" Sarai's voice rose, the word 'fuck' echoing through the stairwell and undoubtedly the lab.

"Hey! Give those back!"

"Crap, Kabi-freak, why the hell are you drawing…"

**A/N:**

**Dundundun.. .to be continued! Yay!**

**--Aes Sedai**


	8. Consequences of Drawings

**A/N:**

**Yay! I bet you ALL wanted to know what the drawings were… So here we go!**

**Chapter 8:**

_**The Consequence of Drawings**_

"… Sasuke's Sharingan? Hmpf, when did you get _time_ to do this? I highly doubt that Sasuke would sit down and – oompf!"

Sarai was cut off as Orochimaru snatched the drawings out of her hands quite rudely, causing her to stumble and trip. On the stairs, the Snake had heard her begin to ask why Kabuto was drawing something, and he had gone down.

"Thank you, Kabuto-kun, for finishing these for me."

Kabuto went red and fainted (from the praise?). Opochimaru stuck the papers in his belt, unlooked at. "Kabuto-kun?" He asked coolly amused.

Sarai grinned. Pulling a small vial out of nowhere, she waved it under Kabuto's nose.

"Echk! Echk! FUCK WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?!??!"

Sarai grinned. "You fainted. These are smelling salts." Her face was innocent as she smiled. She kind of looked like a cute little girl. But Kabuto wasn't fooled. Ohhhh noooo, not by a long shot. He knew he was dealing with a little devil.

Orochimaru sighed at their childish talk, and began to study the drawings of the Sharingan. He started getting redder and redder and his right eye twitched as he stared at the drawings. O.o…

"Kabuto-kun…" Orochimaru hissed. "Why… what… how…"

"Spit it out, Orochi!"

"WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE DRAWINGS OF ME NEKKID!" Orochimaru yelled, waving the sketches in Sarai's and Kabuto's faces. Kabuto winced and mutter something incoherent.

Sarai batted the papers away, and covered her eyes dramatically.

"OMFG I THINK I'M GOING BLIND, DEAR GODS HELP ME!" She screeched at the top of her lungs, and began waltzing around the lab, her arms flailing wildly. Of course, it was all a joke, but no joke can ever be taken too far when it was played on Orochimaru.

xXx

Needless to say, five human-sized test tubes, two vials of Sasuke's blood (when she got this on her hands, she puked… all over Orochi-kun and the REAL Sharingan sketches), a sample of Sasuke's genes, a detailed description of Orochimaru's body-stealing jutsu-y thing, one of the ten DNA samples from the First, and Orochimaru's right hand (which was already in a screwed up condition) were smashed, spilled, torn, puked on, eaten by a random dog that had been released, thrown out by an 'ignorant' Sarai, and burned severely by fire, respectively.

The whole lab was messed up, papers flying everywhere. In short term: Sarai had done a damn good job of undoing/disorganizing all of Kabuto's hard work.

She had also gotten some drawings of Sasuke nekkid as well… except these ones had the dark, heavy lines that were Orochimaru's handwriting-ish-in-the-drawing-way whereas Kabuto's handdrawing had light lines. Plus, Orochi-kun signed his.

Sarai stole the pictures and waltzed off with them.

xXx

Now, we go back to our favorite angsty brooder (actually, Itachi's the favorite since he's the original Emo Uchiha).

"Ohhhhh Sasssukeee-kunnn!" The voice called out the boy in question's name in a singsong, high-pitched tone.

Sighing reluctantly, he opened the door to let Sarai in.

"What do you want?" He asked bluntly, giving her a murderous glare. It was all he had time for before the girl glomped him.

"Look at the pictures Orochimaru-kun drew of you!" Sarai screeched, tossing the nekkid drawings of Sasuke to him once he had gotten back to his feet.

Sasuke, after seeing them, started trying out different colors that a face can turn. He went through all different shades of red, starting with pink, and was currently on his third shade of purple when the papers erupted in a mass of flames.

'What. The. Fuck,' the second Uchiha prodigy though darkly. To add the icing to the cake, Sarai smiled widely and spoke, her voice bright.

"I saw Itachi-kun in the past few days!" She exclaimed happily. Sasuke knew she wasn't talking about the puppy. The puppy… had, um, gotten lost… how he was going to break it to Sarai was beyond him but… ah well.

But her words – well, just the word 'Itachi' set Sasuke off.

"What? Where! When?" Sarai grinned.

"Actually, I saw Sharky first. See, he has a new girlfriend."

"_Kisame_ has a _girlfriend_? Who in their right mind would want to date a shark?"

Sarai bristled at the insult to Kohaku.

"Who in their right mind would swoon after an angsty, brooding, stupid, blind, weaker-than-his-brother-and-even-_my_-brother-and-had-to-resort-to-serving-a-snake-for-power EMO guy with a duckbutt haircut?" She retorted mockingly. Sasuke glared.

"Anyway, her name is Kohaku. Kohakukohakukohakukohaku…." She repeated her name quite a few times.

xXx

Somewhere in the Akatsuki hideout, (probably in Kisame's room) Kohaku started sneezing randomly. In between sneezes, she managed to hiss, "Damn you Sarai. Sarai…." And proceeded to mutter Sarai's name numerous times.

And then she got bored. And then the door opened revealing Kisame. So Kohaku stopped and jumped up. And glomped Kisame. Who hit his head. And then got laughed at by Deidara. Who tripped over Kisame. And fell into Kohaku. Who started giggling. Which annoyed Sasori. Who poked his head in. And yelled. "DAMMNIT AES SEDAI STOP THIS NONSENSE SO I CAN GET BACK TO MAKING PUPPETS. So then I stopped. After saying, BACK TO THE STORY!

xXx

Sarai started sneezing violently. "Ah, damnit Kohaku…" When her sneezing fit was over, she smiled at Sasuke sweetly.

And then she left his room, bouncing with excitement.

For in the chaos that the lab had become… she had found something even more disturbing than Orochi-kun and Kabi-kun's drawings…

xXx

Orochimaru and Kabuto had been hauling things out of the lab (the whole floor had been flooded in something that glowed pink in the dark, courtesy of Sarai) when the devilish child known as Sarai had found 'it.'

xXx

Kabuto was sweating profusely by the time they finished getting everything out. Orochimaru was just ticked off, and Sasuke was brooding (go figure).

Five minutes later found all of them were sitting in what Sarai had dubbed the Common Room. Kabuto, once again, was on the K-Kouch – mainly because nobody wanted to sit on it after Kabuto did. So it was pretty much his couch.

Orochimaru was sitting in his chair, ignoring the sidelong glances Kabuto was giving him and giving Sasuke-duck, who was standing in the corner with his back to all of them sidelong looks of his own. Except his were creepier. Just imagine a SNAKE flirting with you. More, a SNAKE whose about 50000000 years older than you and is the same sex. Oh yea. Way creepier.

Sarai pranced in holding a small, dark, leather bound book. Orochimaru glanced at her, and buried his face in his hands while moaningin despair. Whatever annoyance the girl had cooked up this time it was sure to be one thing - a pain in the ass.

"Guess what! I found this in that pile of stuff you wanted to throw out. Ya know, that pile of stuff that got completely destroyed in the lab?"

Orchimaru paled. "You didn-" he hissed, only to be cut off by her mischievous smile and a cheeky, "I did!"

"_August 2cd _

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was the best day of my young, miserable, dark, evil life. Of course, that baka Jiraiya musn't know. I was brooding/reading a scroll on Katon jutsus in my room when he came in, carrying a present for Tsunade-hime's 11th birthday. I asked him if he still loved her. He pointed to his black-eye and gave me a look that said 'Are you an IDIOT? Hm, and they call you the smartest of us!' My hands itched to try a Katon jutsu to wipe that condescending look off of his face. _

_But he leaned closer to me, and grabbed my hands before they could run through the seals._

"_Orochi-kun… I'm in love with one of my teammates…" I immediately assumed Tsunade-hiime, but that thought was short-lived. I was immediately enlightened as Jiraiya kissed me… and I realized that I liked him back. I pushed him away so that he wouldn't know."_

"Aw… O-K that's _sooo_ touching!"

"_October 27th_

_Jiraiya-kun kissed me again. For my birthday, he claimed. I don't believed him. I liked it. I'm so confuddled. This is redunkulous. I really need to kill that stupid frog."_

"Aw… Orochi! The 27th was your birthday??? We missed it!... by the way, you KNOW that 'confuddled' and 'redunkulous' aren't words, right? Hpmf, and they called you the Third's star protégé."

"_November 11th_

_Today was Jiraiya-kun's birthday. He asked if I was going to give him a birthday kiss. Tsunade went wide-eyed and I could practically see the sweat-drop. 'You two are DATING?' she asked incredulously. And then, deviously, she added, 'So… who's the seme?' Jiraiya went red. I made a mental note to kill the fool next time I had a chance."_

Sasuke was snickering. Kabuto was looking mildly interested.

"So, Orochimaru-sama… who _was_ the seme?" Orochimaru glared at his love-sick subordinate and snarled, "We never dated! And besides, it obviously would have been me, seeing as I'm a better ninja."

"But isn't Jiraiya-sama bigger, and physically stronger?" Sasuke asked tauntingly.

"Shut _up!_" Snakey hissed angrily.

"Wow, O-K, your own subordinates taunting you… that's pretty pathetic." Sarai commented, shaking her head sadly while flipping through more pages and choosing one at random.

"_February 26th_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today I had 'fun' with my future container. I 'examined' my future body – in my room! It was SO much fun! We…"_

Sarai trailed off as her eyes widened. Snapping the diary shut, she tucked it behind her belt delicately. Slowly, she made her way to the kitchen – and started puking. Sasuke came up from behind. She didn't realize that he was holding her hair back for her, and she jumped when he spoke.

"That. Snake. Is. Going. To. Die." Sasuke hissed – it was more a broody statement to himself than to Sarai, but she chuckled weakly all the same.

"So… what are you going to do with the book?" Sasuke asked, eyebrow raised.

"Send it to Kakashi-sensei. He needs a new porn book." Sasuke laughed.

xXx

Somewhere in Konoha, Kakashi was reading Icha Icha Paradise in a tree. He suddenly sneezed violently, causing him to fall out of the tree and into the river. When he climbed out, he realized his porn book was RUINED! Quickly, he built a fire to dry it out. He held the book over the fire… but he sneezed again and dropped the book in the FIRE! Oh no!

"Whoever was just talking about me is going to DIE a very HORRIBLE and PAINFUL death!" Kakashi muttered darkly.

xXx

Sarai sneezed as she watched the bird carrying Orochimaru's diary fly off.

xXx

Kakashi was still brooding (with a new Icha Icha book) when a random bird randomly dropped a random book on his random head. Sighing, he opened the book.

_Interested… seems to be Orochimaru's diary… I should go send it to Tsun – OMG PORN! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Kakashi had gotten to the pages where Orochimaru described (in vivid detail) his… ehm, 'activities' with Kabuto in bed (luckily for Sarai, she had skipped over it).

_Perhaps Tsunade-sama can wait… Ohemgee!!_

**A/N:**

**Yay!**

**Sorry this TOOk soo long… **

**-Aes Sedai**

**Review please?**


	9. Only Thirty Seven Days Late

**A/N: **

**Yay!!!! I hope you like it!**

**Only Thirty-Seven Days Late**

Sarai walked into the Common Room to find Kabuto sitting in Orochimaru's chair, stroking it, and Sasuke leaning against the wall. On the opposite side of Kabuto. Staring at him intently.

She vaulted over the back of the couch and sat on it, positioning herself so that she could watch both Kabuto and Sasuke.

**Sasuke… what day is it today?** She asked in hand-language.

**December the third.** Sasuke responded, fingers flashing.

"Stop that. How do I know you aren't planning an escape?!" Kabuto demanded, eyes narrowing as he studied their handmotions.

"I don't know. How _do_ you?" Sarai replied with an impish grin. Perhaps it wasn't the smartest thing to do – goading one's captors I mean – but it still was a lot of fun.

**That's the POINT genius! **The angle of her hand implied heavy sarcasm.

Sasuke snorted. **Hn. Agreed. I suppose. **

**Hm… Hey Sasuke, lets have a birthday part for Orochimaru!**

"His birthday was October 27th, Sarai." Sasuke spoke aloud because Kabuto's face was getting darker and darker. If you piss off a 'comrade' who is trusted more than yourself, you're screwed. And Sasuke didn't want to get screwed (again).

"So? Thirty-seven days late, what's the big deal?"

"You're going to throw a birthday party for Orochimaru-sama? Can I help?" Kabuto asked excitedly. Sarai groaned inwardly… until an idea popped into her head. **Sasuke… go get a box, will ya? And some tape… and ribbons. **Sasuke managed a fairly creepy smile before nodding and leaving the room.

"Kabuto… come here, will you?" Sarai asked, a small, disturbing smile of her own forming on her lips. Had Kabuto been in his right mind, he would have kept his distance. Sadly for him, Kabuto was _not_ in his right mind – he was excited about Orochimaru's 'birthday'.

"So, what are we going to get Orochimaru-sama?" Kabuto asked, smile widening with delight. He really did love this brilliant idea of Sarai's. It was so kind and thoughtful and showed that everyone who was helping to participate loved Orochimaru. To make a long story short, Kabuto was on crack and he was too disoriented to realize that Sarai's friendly smile was more a smile of evil anticipation than one of amiableness.

Sasuke returned four minutes and twenty-three seconds later with the materials Sarai had asked for, only to find the girl and the four-eyed freak facing each other, each wearing slightly strained smiles. Kabuto was giving off a killer aura that puzzled Sasuke until he noticed the rather, um, _damp_ state that Kabuto's clothes were in.

"What happened here?" He asked resignedly, not sure if he really wanted to know. An awkward silence reigned.

"… we were brainstorming, and I got the lovely idea of a water-balloon party only to find that Kabuto can't make water balloons for his life!" Sarai put in cheerfully after about two minutes of putting one hand flat on top of the other, so that the thumbs were on different sides, and both palms were facing down. She had then proceeded to rotate her thumbs in a circular manner, so that if you looked at it funny, it kind of resembled an 'awkward turtle', which she claimed was really useful to say 'THIS SITUATION IS FAR TO AWKWARD FOR MY LIKINGS!' when one was feeling to embarrassed to say so.

"…"

Sasuke was speechless. All of the items in his hands fell to the ground with a clatter, as the Uchiha who _had _been holding quiver with uncontrolled, silent laughter. A smirk for an Uchiha is equivalent to a roll-on-the-ground-and-laugh from a normal person. Quivering with uncontrolled laughter for an Uchiha is equivalent to dying from laughter for a normal person. So pretty much, Sasuke just died from laughing. But not really, because he's an Uchiha… get it? I know, it's a confuddling idea to understand, but really, it's not _that_ challenging.

My point? KABUTO CAN'T MAKE WATER BALLOONS! And Sasuke finds that amusing as well.

"You… can't… make…. Water balloons?!?!?" the Uchiha prodigy managed to ask through his laughter.

"Erm… yeah, I'm going to the local village to get birthday-cake supplies." Thus Sarai put her masterfull Escape-The-Mad-Sasuke-While-You-Still-Have-Your-Life plan into action.

xXx

"Flour… eggs…" Sarai muttered to herself under her breath. She walked by another stand, glancing at it to see if it had any of the materials she still needed. Seeing nothing she continued walking. Suddenly, she stopped short and backtracked.

'Is that _Orochimaru_ shopping? WTF IT IS!' She stared at Orochimaru as he bargained for the price of a loaf of bread.

'Why the hell is he shopping!'

Orochimaru was shopping whereas he usually sent Kabuto. Kabuto, though, was suffering from extremely traumatic memories because of something that Sarai had shown him. He didn't dare trust Sasuke because ever since the contents of Orochimaru's diary had been spilled, the boy gave off a killer intent whenever the pedophile entered the same room as him. So the diary might become a motive to poison all the food. And he daren't trust Sarai either – hell, that girl didn't _need_ a justifying motive to screw with the nourishing supplies.

"Take a picture, hun, it lasts longer." A man whispered as he walked by the gawking girl. She immediately came to her senses, and quickly bought the rest of the materials before Orochimaru noticed her.

xXx

In the Lair…

"So Kabuto… come here for a second, will you?" Sasuke asked, a maniacal grin splitting his face as Sarai giggled in a farily disturbibg manner.

xXx

"I'm back from getting the groceries!" Orochimaru called as he dropped into the tunnel. Once in the kitchen, he rid himself of said groceries and went to the Common Room to rest. Carrying milk, cheese, bread (which he had gotten at a really good price), etc was quite tiring for a 50-something-year-old Snake.

Walking into the Common Room, he stopped and gasped. In the middle of the room, was a cake and a rather large ribbon-adorned box. Streamers crisscrossed the ceiling of the room, and a huge banner hung across the middle. It read, 'Happy Eighty-Eighth Birthday Orochimaru!'

"Um… It's not my eighty-eighth birthday. Hell, it isn't even my birthday!"

"We know. We're only thirty-seven days late though!" Sarai chirped happily, handing Orochimaru a knife.

* * *

Woah. Woah. WOAH! Back _up_ there! Let's have that again.

* * *

"We know. We're only thirty-seven days late though!" Sarai chirped happily, handing Orochimaru a DULL KNIFE SUITABLE ONLY FOR CUTTING CAKE AND NOT FOR MUTILATING HUMANS.

"Care to cut your own cake?" Sasuke asked coolly, standing by the table while radiating killer intent. Orochimaru gave the knife a baleful glare, thinking, 'what good is a knife if it can only cut cake… oh well' and proceeded to the table.

Sasuke stuck out his foot as Sarai pushed Orochimaru over it, both of them whistling innocently all the while. Orochimaru gave a quick, last-minute, "OMFG!" before landing face-first into the icing-covered cake.

Lifting his head, he hissed at both Sarai and Sasuke. "If I find out who tripped me, that person is d-e-a-d DEAD!" Sadly, all of the intimidation was taken out of his threat as his face was covered with cake and ice cream, and a rather large icing-snake curled around his tongue gave him a lisp.

Orochimaru glared at both of them, ate the icing-snake, and licked all of the cake off of his face with his abnormally flexible and long tongue.

"…" Sarai stared.

"Okay, now I'm officially disgusted/freaked out. Thanks a bunch. Now I'm scarred for life. I'd just like to reiterate my thanks, mmkay?" Her words were dripping sarcasm.

Sasuke smirked, and pushed the present towards the pedophile.

Orochimaru eyed the gift warily before opening it. Inside was Kabuto, gagged and bound in purple-foil ribbons. Taped to his head was a gift certificate that read, "ONE FREE TRIP TO THE SHRINK**(1)**."

Sarai and Sasuke took advantage of Orochimaru's five minutes of shock to escape with their lives, though I can't say the same about their sanity.

**A/N:**

**(1) the shrink is what people sometimes refer to a psychiatrist as. **

**Wow. I hoped you liked that.**

**I know it is short, sorry. I just wanted to get it out by Thanksgiving.**

**HAPPY THANKSGIVING!**

**--Aes Sedai**


	10. Double Apocalypse

**A/N:**

**Sorry this took so long to update!!! To all of you awesome people there waiting for this… I AM SO SORRY!**

…**. This story is dedicated to my friend who is not a member of Fanfcition, Amme Droffig!! **

**Double Apocalypse**

It was a full three minutes after Sarai and Sasuke's departure that Orochimaru's shock finally melted into anger.

"ARGHHH!!! UZUMAKI SARAI AND UCHIHA SASUKE (-kun) WHEN I CATCH I WILL NOT KILL YOU! I'LL LET KABUTO MOLEST YOU!!!!" (At this, Kabuto, still tied up and in a box, giggled and shifted happily.)

Sasuke and Sarai were standing in a clearing about a mile away from the Hide Out (wow, Orochimaru has quite a loud voice) when said Snake-sannin's voice reached them. Sasuke was grinning like a madman, and a gigg- no, a _chuckle _escaped his lips.(Uchihas don't giggle. It's unmanly). **The woods are my new best friend.**

Sarai laughed and responded to Sasuke's silent comment. "Yea, I would have returned and faced the music, but now that I know that it's going to Kabuto getting the chance to molest me… I think I'll stay away. Far away. For a bit. God, Snakes just don't appreciate the effort put into a birthday party!"

Sasuke 'Hned' his agreement, and then broke out into peals of gig- _chuckles_. And then it hit Sarai, and she threw her hands up and started running in circles, screaming.

"Sarai? What's wrong?"

In a frantic, high-pitched voice, Sarai responded at the top of her lungs. "OMFG, SASUKE YOU FRIGGIN LAUGHED, OMFG IT'S THE APOCALYPSE, OH NO, SASUKE LAUGHED THE WORLD IS GOING TO END… AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

And then it hit Sasuke as well. He had _laughed_. So then he threw his hands up and started running around and screaming too. "OMFG I LAUGHED OMFG I HAVE PRETTY MUCH LOST ALL OF MY UCHIHA-COOLNESS!!! (BUT MY LAUGH IS SO PWNSOME) OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! OMG! TODAY MUST BE 'LOSE ALL YOUR COOL IN AS MANY WAYS AS YOU CAN' DAY BECAUSE I'M SCREAMING LIKE A GIRL!!!!!!!"

And then he stopped screaming. And started freaking out in the Uchiha-way. Which was to sit down, clasp his hands together, and rest his chin on them and eyes getting that 'Must-Kill-Brother!' gleam.

Sarai calmed down too. "Sasuke. Promise me you'll never laugh in my presence again."

"Promise." Sasuke said, with an inward shudder. Sarai sighed with relief. "Kami… I didn't think anything could creep me out after getting your brother drunk, but… oh Kami-sama!"

Sasuke gave her the Copyrighted Uchiha glare, shaking his head and muttering 'pathetic'. Sarai snorted elegantly (however the hell you do that).

xXx

It was a full four days before Sarai and Sasuke could return to the Lair without fear of being molested by Kabuto.

The second night after their return found them in a dark bedroom, both of them fully clothed.

"Tickle him!" Sarai whispered, pointing to the lump in the bed. Sasuke arched a graceful eyebrow before hissing, "Are you _trying_ to get me killed, woman?"

"Of course not, Sasuke-kun!" Sarai replied earnestly, eyes wide with innocence. Of course, when a blue-eyed prankster gives you an "I'm Innocent!" look, you shouldn't trust her. But then, Sasuke wasn't himself (or he'd be in his room brooding), thus he wasn't feeling incredibly intelligent as he usually is. So he sighed, and muttered, "I guess it wouldn't hurt. He _is_ asleep after all." He made to move forward and tickle the sleeping Orochimaru.

"Who is asleep?" A gravelly, snakelike voice asked from behind them. Both Sarai and Sasuke spun on their heels to face non other than Orochimaru. Sarai gasped and backed away. Sasuke had the self-control to stay calm and merely sighed.

Pointing at Orochimaru, her gaze flicking from him and the sleeping figure, she managed to gasp, "You! But… you're sleeping… oh Kami… who is _that_?!" Wheeling around, she got a better look at the person in Orochimaru's bed. And then all hell broke loose.

"OH MY EFFIN GOD IT'S KABUTO! MY EYES! MY VIRGIN EYES!" She screeched, and fled the room. With a shudder, she locked herself in her room, deep in thought. 'Well that was a nasty turn of events. I wonder if Sasuke escaped…'

xXx

Orochimaru's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline as he whistled with surprise. "Well that was a nasty turn of events," he said, unconsciously voicing Sarai's exact thoughts. (Great minds think alike… yes, Orochimaru is great. Granted, he's a perverted pedophile, yet he's still great.)

With a snake-like grin, he turned to Sasuke who was slowly trying to remove himself from the room without getting caught. "Sasuke-kun… care to join us? I do prefer threesomes…" With an unnatural, un-Uchiha-like shriek, Sasuke quickly used the Body Flicker Technique to flicker the hell out of there.

xXx

Orochimaru went to answer the door. Poking his head out of the hole, he was taken by surprise. Something whacked him in the back of his head, and he drifted into a land of lollipops and little boys…

"Urgh…" The Snake-sannin groaned as he lifted his head, which felt one thousand times heavier than normal. 'Where in Kami's name am I?' he thought darkly. Never fear, for Orochimaru-sama learned very quickly as Sarai and a friend of hers pranced into the room.

"Orochimaru! This is a shrink. Her name is Emma." Sarai gestured to her friend. Emma was very tall, with curly black hair, brown eyes, and glasses. She wore a Suna hitai-ate around her neck, and a kunai holster strapped around her thigh. Her smile was that of an insane person – much like Sarai's.

"Hello, Oro-kuny!" Emma said brightly, her smile growing bigger. "Please sit down. This really is a very simple process. I ask you questions, and you answer them." Orochimaru sat down, but gave Emma a look that screamed 'I AM GOING TO KILL YOU… AND SARAI!'

Emma misinterpreted the look. Whether or not she did it on purpose so she could annoy 'Oro-kuny', I'll leave up to you. But the point is, she (pretended) to think the look was one of nervousness.

"Oh, don't worry! The questions are really easy. Even that insane tomato-obsessed Uchiha weasel managed to answer them!"

"… _you_ had sessions with _Itachi_? And survived?" Orochimaru asked, eyes wide with awe.

"Yes. But I was under the alias of Dr. Philz. But now… I have come out of the closet! I am EMMA! DOCTER EMMA! THE GREATES SHRINK OF ALL TIMES! MWUHAHAHAHHA-" And then she started choking and coughing. Rolling her eyes (for she had been sitting in the corner and watching) Sarai walked over and patted Emma on the back, handing her a glass of water. "Thank you, shorty," Emma said, after draining the cup. 'Shorty' scowled at her nickname, and went to sulk in the corner.

Leaning back in her chair, Emma ignored Sarai's baleful glare and drew out a yellow pad (with notes from Itachi's 'session' still attached). "Now, for the questions."

Settling her glasses on the bridge of her nose, Emma was the perfect picture of a shrink. But underneath the underneath… or perhaps not even that deep, she was one of the more insane members of the A'E'P, a group led by Sarai. (AEP stands for Annoy 'Evil' People). In fact, she was one of the higher-ranking officers. The ranks go "Insane. Insaner. Insanest. Beyond Insane. And finally, Penguins Are Cool." While Sarai is the leader (Penguins Are Cool **-1-**), Emma is proud to be Beyond Insane. But I'm going off on a tangent.

"So Orochimaru, let's start with your childhood. Why did you leave Konoha?"

"…"

"Oh, come on. Don't give me that 'I have no emotions whatsoever so I will not answer you' crap. You _know_ that's copyrighted to the Uchihas!"

"… Fine. I left because the chose Arashi for the position of Yondaime when it should have been me."

"Are you quite sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

"Very well," she replied skeptically. Muttering just loud enough for Orochimaru to hear (Sarai was Listening with her winds so she didn't miss out), she wrote as she spoke. "…lying… claims left Konoha because of his insane jealousy of Arashi… probably true but in a different way… jealous of the time Arashi got to spend with Jiraiya… has a lovely crush on Jiraiya still... thinks Tsunade's hot…"

"I do NOT have a crush on Jiraiya!" Orochimaru protested hotly.

**AN- ("blah") – Muttering & Writing from Dr. Emma.**

"Of course not." ("… denies crush on Jiraiya")

"WTF!"

("Has a very bad temper – much like Itachi's.")

Orochimaru was rapidly turning red with rage.

"So… is it true you also left Konoha because Tsunade turned you down 489 1/18 times?" Emma asked in a sickeningly sweet voice.

"…"

"Well? Don't be shy now!"

"… HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET TURNED DOWN 489 and _1 fucking 18th times!_" Orochimaru bellowed.

("Is rather temperamental – got turned down 489 1/18th times and wonders how Tsunade could be that heartless.")

Orochimaru did his best to ignore what Emma was writing.

"Mmkay, Oro-kuny. Moving on. So why did you want to take Itachi's body?"

"For his Mangekyou Sharingan. It would have been the ultimate power."

"Oh come on, Oro-kuny. We all know you think Itachi is sexy… (personally, I think Gaara is a lot cuter but, whatever)."

"Alright! Fine! I admit it – he's pretty hot too."

(Please hold for five minutes while Emma pukes and Sarai laughs and the Authoress sweatdrops.)

"So when you got turned down by him, you turned to his ickle, sweet, innocent brother instead?" Emma asked.

"I never asked him out!" Orochimaru yelled, while cursing silently under his breath.

("Denies asking out Itachi.")

"Very well… if you say so. But right here, I have what Itachi told you, word for word. I managed to get it out of him when I had sessions with him. The first time, his answer was 'Get the hell away from me you fucking bastard.' And the second time it was, 'Fuck off! And stay away from my brother, you fucking pedophile!'"

"…" Inwardly, Orochimaru was cursing. And then he couldn't help it. Jumping out of his seat, he yelled out his confessions to the world.

"BUT I LOVE SASUKE-KUN AND KABUTO-KUN AND KIMIMARO-KUN AND SAKON-KUN (but not Ukon, the overly-protective bastard) AND TAYUYA-CHAN!.. AND JIRAIYA-KUN…"

"Say that a little louder, Oro-kuny, I don't think Kimimaro, Sakon and Tayuya could quite hear you from Death. I'm pretty sure Jiraiya and Sasuke and Kabuto heard though…" Emma commented dryly.

Sarai, on the other hand, gasped. "Oh my god. O-Chan admitted his love for little children like, 40 years his junior and Jiraiya and Kabuto. It's like, the apocalpyse." Thinking back to earlier that week, Sarai added, "Again."

xXx

Behind the fake blackboard, Jiraiya fainted from horror, Kabuto fainted with relief, and Sasuke hugged himself, muttering "Itachi will protect me from the pedophile… Itachi will protect me from the pedophile… Itachi will protect me…" over and over again. All three of them sneezed when Emma mentioned them.

xXx

In the happy Orochimaru-less land of the Land of the Dead for the Sound Five Because They're So Awesome They Get Their Own Afterworld, Sakon, Kimimaro, and Tayuya sneezed.

"You okay?" Kidomaru asked.

"Fuck off, you fucker. Of course I'm fucking okay. I'm fucking _dead_. How fucking stupid can you fucking be?" (guess who that was)

**A/N:**

**1 Cuz penguins rock you socks.**

**YAY! I am SOOOOOOO sorry that took SOOO long to update!!!**

**Forgive me? Please?**

**--Aes Sedai**


	11. In Which the Authoress Gets Beat Up

**A/N:**

**Here goes. The last chapter of Operation Orochi, and the conclusion of the A'E'P (Annoy Evil People) stories.**

**In Which Orochimaru Beats the Crap out of the Authoress**

Orochimaru was laying happily on his bed. Sarai was gone, Sasuke was back to normal, and Kabuto worshipped him (but that's normal.)

And the reason for his happiness? Well, to put it short, he beat the crap out of the evil girl who put him through this whole ordeal. How you might ask?

-How The Authoress Got the Crap Beat out of Her-

So I was sitting at my desk, wondering how I was going to write this story when someone stole my powercord. And then I got up, walked to the Tech Support office at School (yes, I was at school) and bought a new one. Amazing, yes?

So I was writing when I realized that Orochimaru was starting to do his own stuff. Like, in my story. He was doing whatever he wanted. And I would write something. And he would change it. And that meant one thing: Sarai was in serious trouble. So then I groaned and thought, 'Why, oh why, did I have to write this?' So I, being the insane, deranged person that I am, slammed my head against the computer screen.

Instead of my head hurting a lot, and me yelling, "Oh FUCK that hurt! I'm a dumbass," my head actually… went into the computer. And then all hell broke loose. Just so you know, I'm Saira.

xXx

Saira blinked as she stared at her surroundings. She stood up, reaching her full 4 feet and 9 and 1 half inches (((**yes, I'm 14 and I'm that short. Get over it!!! And don't laugh**!)))

'Where the hell am I?' she thought blankly. The ominous woods were out of place – there were NO woods at home. Just a bunch of fields and cows and turkeys. A kunai whizzed out of nowhere and embedded itself extremely deep into a tree. 'Luckily for me, it was a tree, and not me. Oh fuck. There are NO kunais at home… oh shitshitshitshit…' (((**I usually don't swear this much. But I think the situation calls for it.)))**

And then, for the icing on the cake, Saraiyu Uzumaki popped out, hair disheveled and panting. She bent over, panting, for a moment, before straightening and staring at the short, Asian, four-eyed girl in front of her.

"Oh hey, Saira. Nice of you to drop in."

"Uh… _no it isn't!_ I didn't write myself in here! I AM FUCKING HERE. OMFG I AM GOING TO DIE!!! NOOOOOO!" Sarai giggled and fell over laughing. Saira contented herself with sending the other girl a dark glare © the Uchihas (yes, it was copyright infringement! ZOMG!) , which only sent the Uzumaki further into hysterics.

And then the party was over as Orochimaru burst into the surroundings, purple with rage. Livid, he yelled incoherently at Sarai. "OMFGWTFWHYTHEHELLDIDYOUPOURICEINMY – ACHOO! - MATRESSIWASSOCOLDLASTNIGHTANDNOWIHAVEACOLDANDI – ACHOO! – ANDNOWITSALLYOURFAULTANDIHATE – ACHOO! – YOU!"

Saira stared. "Who-a-watta-whata-wuta?" She managed through her shock.

Orochimaru stared at her blankly. "Who are you?"

"Um… A goddess."

"Oh?"

"Yea. The patron goddess of pranks, it just so happens." Saira grinned cheekily, before adding, "Good job, Sarai. I always knew you were a faithful worshipper." Sarai sent the Authoress a glare that held no true hatred. Just a lot of silliness.

"So you're immortal?" Orochimaru asked, eyes growing wide with excitement.

"Er… sort of. See, my brother (the god of Everything-That-Is-Evil) kind of stuck me in a… erm, mortal body. So… I kind of can die. But I'll only be sent back to the Divine Realms." Saira explained, as Sarai sent her a hand-message. **Good job, bullshitting your way through an explanation. FYI Orochi-kun is... um, obessed with imorality.**

**Why thank you, Sarai.** Saira responded, though the angle of Sarai's hands implied a great deal of sarcasm. And then she added, **I'm not stupi - **

But she was cut off as Orochimaru started stroking her and muttering, "Immortal... flesh! Immortal... flesh!!!" So, naturally, Saira jerked away with a disgusted look.

"So… all the pranks Saraiyu played… were inspired by _you_?" Orochimaru asked, pouting slightly at the fact that Saira looked like she wanted to take five hundred baths to get Orochimaru's germs off of her (which she did).

"Well, see," – 'Oh fuck. I didn't knows he was _that_ smart.' – "Well, technically… um… I kind of orchestrated this whole thing. The Sarai-Annoying-Orochi-kun-Without-Getting-Killed thing, I mean… um, yeah."

Orochimaru smiled sadistically. Saira actually gulped.

xXx

-MY POV-

So after Orochimaru gave me that ©Creepy Pedophile Grin, I sank into darkness. After the big, purple, icky tongue hit the back of my head quite painfully.

So where was I then? Well, I was tied up. Sitting on a chair, yes, my hands were tied behind the backrest, my ankles to two of the legs, and just a random rope around my tummy. It hurt. But I was sure that I would hurt a lot more by the time I managed to escape back into reality.

And first in came Kabuto. Fortunately, or unfortunately, he didn't see this as a "Beat-Up-the-Person-Who-Put-Me-Through-Hell-And-Back session. He saw it as a Whine&Complain session."

"WHY DOESN'T OROCHIMARU-SAMA ADMIT HIS LOVE FOR ME? I HEARD HIM WHEN HE WAS WITH DR. EMMA!" Kabuto wailed, throwing his hands up. Then he sat down calmly and pushed his glasses on his nose. And then he started ranting. "Idon'tseewhattheproblem withme is. I meanIloveOrochimaru-sama and I guesshelovesmetoo, but its all those Uchihasfaultbecauseheisinlovewith Sasuke now, andhelikedItachi-kun before andthatmakesmereallyreallysad can you writeaprettyscenewhenOrochimaru confesses hisloveforme, pleasepleaseplease???!"

I stared at him blankly for five minutes before what he said processed in my brain. "Ah. But I did! The one when Sarai and Sasuke found you sleeping in his bed!"

"Oh. Oh right! Arigato." And then he left.

Next Up:

The second-place winner for the Most-Emotionless-Bastard-Alive (first place was Itachi-kun.) Sasuke sauntered in, hands jammed into his pockets and an attitude that screamed 'DON'T BOTHER ME I'M TOO BUSY BROODING'.

"… You made me laugh. LAUGH. YOU MADE ME FREAKIN LAUGH! LAUGH. LAUGH. I LAUGHED. WTF WHERE YOU THINKING?" Yea, it wasn't his attitude who screamed that. It was HIM.

And that was all he could get out before some stray Winds pushe dhim back into his seat (courtesy of Sarai). So he resorted to sending me an ©Uchiha Death Glare.

"Um… because that was the joke? The usually Stick-Up-His-Ass-Stoic Uchiha Sasuke laughing… ?" I trailed off, hoping he would pick up the hint. And he did.

I learned this how?

He lunged at me, and grabbed my throat.

**SASUKE! WTF GET THE HELL OFF OF HER! **Sarai signed frantically to the rage-engulfed Uchiha.

**NO! She insulted me! She made me laugh! **Sasuke's signs had the hint of a whine.

**Want some CHEESE with that WHINE? **I signed mockingly. Sasuke glared, but removed his hands and stalked out of the room, most likely to go and brood in some dark, broody place.

And then Orochimaru walked in.

"Um, hi, Orochi-kun?"

"You. Goddess-girl" – (I love how he thought I was actually a goddess!) – "Why the fuck did you put me through the tortures that _girl_ devised?!" he raged, his face livid by now.

I shrugged. "It was fu" –

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT WAS FUNNY, BECAUSE IT WAS NOT FUCKING _FUNNY_!" Orochi-kun screamed in my face. Wow, that guy has _totally_ lost it. And then to push him even further, Dr. Emma materialized out of nowhere.

"Hey Saira-sama, Sarai." **(1) **

I grinned and waved.

"Oh! Oro-kuny! Hallo, dear child, are you feeling better?" Dr. Emma asked in a fake sympathetic tone.

"No." Orochi-chan pouted. "The mean Authoress-Goddess put me through TORTURE!"

"Well, at least she didn't put you in a tutu and make you dance to Barbie of Swan Lake." Dr. Emma commented with a ©A'E'P Insanity grin.

"WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And then Orochimaru started beating the stuffing out of a fake Sarai, Saira, and Dr. Emma. Because Sasuke was nice, and helped us out with a Replacement Jutsu.

-END OF HOW THE AUTHORESS GOT THE CRAP BEAT OUT OF HER-

So this is the chapter in which Orochimaru beat the crap out of the Authoress. At least, that's what he _thinks_ he did.

**A/N:**

**(1)I'd just like to poke fun at the Real Dr. Emma and tell her she called me –Sama!!!! **

**The End of the Series and Story!!!**

**I hoped you liked it, please review!**

**-Aes Sedai**


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